So What....?

I will turn a year older this Sunday. And how does that make me feel? Not wonderful is putting it mildly. And between you and me, (yes, you, the one or two creatures on earth who actually read my entries…) I have been kinda edgy at the mere thought of it Honestly, it’s been bugging me quite a fair bit, and for some reason I have been feeling rather insecure, about so many things in my life. My finances, my parenting skills, my looks, my hair, my weight of course.. And then on Sunday, I had a fall. Not a nasty one but enough to leave me limping for several days. Noo, I did not sprain an ankle, just pulled a muscle but hey, it hurt ok, and it was not cool to come to work in slippers..so I have not exactly been feeling on top of the world..(and that twit of a colleague who when seeing me limp into the office on Monday morning chirpily said, ayooo lily, you’re not young anymore you know..must be careful ooo…) And just like that my wonderful week began.

Yes, me, who tells that one should count one’s blessings in life..I really should take a HUGE spoonful of my own medicine huh..

I don’t know, perhaps it’s all because I thought I would have achieved a certain number of things in my life by now. Ah, my husband points out, therein lies the crux of my problem, life is about a lot more than ‘things’..he stresses. I have my health, a stable job, a place to stay, my family which includes a husband and kids whom I love very much, and hopefully love me right back. I have a set of beautiful people I call my closest best friends whom I’ve known for close to 30 years and many other girl friends and sisters all of whom are in very special places in my heart.

With my husband of almost 20 years I have a wonderful relationship. Naturally there are days when life as a couple is less than perfect but I would like to think that despite it all, things are still good between us and married life is still sweet.

Then there are my kids…my pride and joy. My raison d’etre in this world. Ironically, issues with one was what triggered my emotions this morning. I ask you, when you’ve been a parent for close to 15 years as I have, you would think that you’re at least a decent enough parent, right? Think again…

“You’re too hard on yourself..” my husband tells me. I can’t help it. I have this voice that tells me even I have not achieved much in almost 40 years of my life (there, I’ve said it…!!what a HUGE number…oh GOD..!), I should at least have sufficient parenting skills to handle any given situation right..as I said, think again. Yes, it’s really not that big a deal, more of the usual discipline issues, but hey, they irk me. And with all that emotion running high lately with the aging thing, well, the timing sucks.

But my better half was sweet enough to be patient and reminded me that I have a lot to be thankful for. That life would not mean a thing even if I have loads of moolah in my bank account but a terrible relationship with my spouse and kids..and nobody else to turn to, for instance. And that kids are to be disciplined with love..yes, yes, when he’s calm he’s a much better parent than I am… Ok, I’m being cynical, I really shouldn’t.

Aaaahhh..ok, that’s me taking a deep breath. He’s right, I’m being too hard on myself. So no more ranting about, no more teeth clenching till I burst. So what if my son sleeps like a log, he’ll just miss football practice. So what if I my hair is thinning, I still have no ubans, so what if I don’t drive a fancy car and can’t afford jewelry, (I can still dream, can’t I..) and so what if I’m not young and slim anymore…(ok, with this one, I am not so convinced yet lah..I think I need to spend some money at a slimming centre lah ….)

Hubby tells me he loves me more than ever before, - God bless the man..despite the thinning hair, the wide hips and all my other imperfections..(eh, do you think he said that to avoid his wife from having a nervous breakdown maybe..??)

I turn a year older...I think I need to get a pick-me-upper and face this head on. In the meantime, errr, do you know of a good hair product, that won’t cost me an arm and a leg, and then some..?

Just a lil bit too much

I admit. I wanted to get my point across. The whole scenario was getting tiresome and frankly those ads were getting on my nerves. "You shouldn't see things that way you know,"someone told me."..what if everyone does exactly what you do.." "I'll take my chances," I said, having made up my mind.

And as it turned out, millions out there had the exact intention. It was meant to be an act that would give a good jerk, an eye opener, a wake up call. And what a wake up call it was..For those who were affected, I reckon it must have been more like being woken from a deep slumber by very powerful ammunitions! The only difference here is, you did not perish in the explosion but are left rubbing your eyes and asking how the heck did that happen..

For me, initially it was rather appealing, and certainly unbelievable. Then as the reality of things sank in..I began to ponder. And I have no doubt that there may be quite a number like me out there, who may now be pondering if it was just a little bit too much.

I am not entirely apprehensive but I can't say I'm not the least bit worried though. It's new and exciting yet it's not unlike venturing into uncharted waters. I am thrilled yet I find the days ahead daunting.

What happens next is anybody's guess. But I must say I am rather miffed that certain individuals have not been as gracious as one particular gentleman. Concede and move on already...

In the meantime, my own mixed feelings are still very much there.

Love is...

Try asking a few people what love means and you are likely to get various takes on the word and what it means to each individual. This would be the umpteenth time I am celebrating Valentines with the love of my life..let me see…just over 2 decades to be exact..Long time huh…? Sure we had a brief ‘hiatus” – but it was like 22 years ago when we first spent Valentine’s Day together..I can even go into details, but I’d rather not lah…no la, nothing too xx pun…just no need to share lah..

So, what is love.? To me, it is about being able to see past your partner’s shortfalls and the mutual respect and affection which you feel towards each other. Real love goes beyond valentine’s day wishes and romantic dinners. It means being able to count on one another in times of need, be it a bad day at work, problems with the family or regular issues with the kids, home and finances.

I should stress that the notion of being wined and dined is not completely unnecessary..! I love flowers but they are not essential (and these days they cost a bomb during Valentine week so forget it..!) so a nice card and quiet alone time will do. As I grew older, Valentine’s Day has lost some of its spark and for me and hubby a few other days are more meaningful to be celebrated. Nonetheless, it is still a nice day to wish one another and use it as an excuse to make the effort to spend time as a couple. With everything that goes on in our lives it can be quite a challenge to find the time to go out alone, without the kids. A weekend away is almost out of the question. Yea, yea..couples should not let kids get in the way..maybe later laa..don’t most couples say that?

As we go about doing whatever it is that we do today my thoughts are with several people around me who happen to be facing some relationship issues. Problems that revolve around anything from finances, to children, to bedroom issues. And I must say some of those issues are really not alien to me in our marriage but alhamdulillah we somehow made it through the rain. And although there can still be stormy weather on some days, I suppose that is just part of the whole deal lah. You pick your battles, you accept that neither you nor your partner will ever be perfect and you laugh with each other - a lot.

At the end of the day, there is no denying that marriage is a lot of work; relationships are never easy and as someone close to me said, love must always, always be nurtured, lest you may just find yourselves drifting away in no time. And chances are there will be occasions where your love and marriage will be tested and my oh my, how emotionally exhausting that can be..

But with each Valentine’s Day I am reminded that love means more than flowers and romantic dinners. It is a time to reflect how one has matured in a relationship, it celebrates the struggles of bad patches along the way and it is a day to treasure the love you still feel and the bond that has grown over the years.

So what will I be doing tomorrow? Hmm…I hope I will be enjoying a nice dinner at a cosy table at a quite but not necessarily fancy restaurant…followed by a feel good movie at home perhaps.. and who knows what else…And yes, it will be tomorrow because going out on a week night is just not so appealing you know..Besides since tomorrow is Friday, the kids can be packed off to mom’s house..hehe…

On that note..happy valentine’s day..!

oh oh oh Sheila.....!!

I still remember the first time I heard somebody by the name of sheila majid sing on the radio. Frankly at the time I thought she sounded rather nasal and was not immediately taken by her voice. But her song was catchy and before long I had bought a copy of Pengemis Muda. There was a school show soon after and my pet sis sang the song since it was THE song at the time.

I saw Sheila sing live only once, with whom I went and where exactly it was I somehow cant quite remember. Later, I was studying abroad when the infamous Ikhlas concert took place and
I heard how good it was from people I know. And then some weeks back I read she was having a 2 day charity concert and I wanted so much to be able to go but the tickets were way too expensive. So there goes another chance at seeing Sheila in action.

But as luck would have it, late Thursday evening I managed to get a couple of complimentary tickets from work – the occasional perk I enjoy when the company gets involved in certain charity drives and sponsor big dos like this la..and to top it off, I got fantastic seats…!!!

Anyway, I was ecstatic that I was going the next evening. It was a really really great show, and I cannot find the words to describe the fun we had….!! It started with me shedding a few tears though because the show was after all in aid of the IJN Foundation and there was a brief presentation on the patients at IJN which included adorable babies and little children and those pictures made me cry.

But once the she got going, it was awesome..all the way. Sheila has not lost her touch one bit! She was smooth and classy, very professional and knew exactly how to get through to her audience. In fact soon most of us were on our feet dancing away..and I think I spent almost the whole second set on my feet..swaying and grooving…it was just wonderful singing along to all the songs I grew up with. In fact earlier Sheila had asked the crowd, “how many of you grew up with my music…??” And there was a resounding “meeee……..” from sooo many of us to which Sheila joked, “So you all must be at least 35 and above right…”ha ha haa…

Even her intermission was exciting. While Sheila disappeared for a wardrobe change, her entourage of musicians took turns at entertaining the crowd and because it was so interesting, not many of us took the time to go for the usual intermission shi shi break. Halfway through the second set hubby said he could hold it in for much longer so he got up and began to make his way to the end of the aisle. Suddenly Sheila started “kata demi kata..jalin dengan indah..” and hubby threw me a look that said, “err, I don’t think I need to go anymore” and so he walked back to me, much to the amusement of those around us!

Basically, I fell in love with Sheila's music all over again that nite..from the upbeat Pengemis Muda when it all began, the infectious Warna, to the classic Anyir dan Jakarta and Emosi, she sang them all.....aaaahhh....

All in all, it was great fun and although the VVIP that particular nite, Tun M did not get up and boogie, but from what I understand, the following nite, our Pak Lah did..!

I went home, tired feet and giddy with excitement but thrilled and thoroughly contented…

Oh, and of course my dearest hubby was also giddy due to something else, we met and talked to Dayang, his ultimate favourite singer..so amusing to see him looking quite love struck! hahaha