You want to what..???

This is yet another blog entry that revolves around my recently turned 12 year old – Arief. Today was the final day of his UPSR exams and from what I observed he seemed well prepared for these last 2 papers. From the last minute revision that we did the whole of yesterday he did appear confident for these papers. I hope he will at least be able to ace these 2.

Anyway, today was hubby's turn to pick him up after the exams. My husband looked for Arief and later found him in a class where they were having a taklimat – for those who would like to go boarding school..! To go where..??? Now, that was something we have never really considered for Arief. Sure our oldest stays at an ‘asrama’ . Well, granted, his is a mere 15 mins away from where we live but it’s a full residential school nonetheless. And I admit, when Shaf wanted to go, (all this thanks to my dear grilfren who was the catalyst in suggesting I send my kids away…aargh..) I was less than thrilled. Maybe devastated is more apt to describe how I felt. As it turned out, Shaf hated it and things became unbearable those first few months. But by then even I was convinced he should stay and that the school will do him a lot more good than harm.

As for Arief, he never really indicated a desire to leave and certainly we’ve always thought he is better suited staying home and going to a nearby school. He tends to be the playful type and I’ve always thought I need to keep a close eye on him. And if I may be totally honest, my relationship with him before my firstborn left home was not the greatest. To quote my dear sister – among her two cents when I was feeling down about my firstborn leaving – “If Shaf duduk asrama, it’ll do you a lot of good to bond with Arief sis”, she said. She could not have been farther away from the truth. And now, just as I’m beginning to truly enjoy Arief’s company without being in the shadow of big brother, he wants to leave..???

I spoke to him over the phone today and asked for reasons of why he attended the taklimat. His answer simple . “ Saja. Ramai orang angkat tangan so Arief pun angkat la’. And when I pressed some more if he really wants to go, to my horror, he gave a firm yes..! And then he added, “Arief nak pergi yang balik berapa bulan sekali punye..” Goodness, my heart skipped a beat at that point. Was he just teasing me, I honestly haven’t got a clue.

Of course, everything depends on how he fares in the exams. And as always I pray that he does well. But now I have mixed feelings. I always say with or without him at home makes little difference because he’s not ‘loud’ like his big brother..but the fact remains, it just won’t be the same. And what will things be like for Haqim not having anyone at home besides the maid..?? What if Arief wants to leave because I am constantly breathing down his neck..? What if he’s fed-up of me being angry at him for not being serious with his school work..? What if he has a typical middle child syndrome and thinks I don’t love him as much as his 2 brothers.. ?

Ok, ok, maybe I’m getting just a tad carried away..and hubby will say I am being emotional…but hello…this is news to me…I just never thought he would even want to stay at a boarding school.. I just figured he lacks that mental discipline essential to survive in that kind of routine and rigid environment. Could I have thought wrong..?

You know that feeling when you have no idea what hit you, leaving you totally speechless.. ? That pretty much sums up how I’m feeling. Later he told me, “mama, rilex lah, lambat lagi..” That’s where you’re wrong dear, it always just seems “lambat lagi” , but before you know it, things you never expect, circumstances that you dread, and situations that previously seemed to merely loom across the horizon is right smack in front of you.

At that point, reality hits and then your life gets messed up for awhile…

will you be mine

Arief, my recently turned 12 year old sure has some very interesting friends. I believe I have met all of his close buddies but don’t usually get a chance to interact much with them. Well, last Friday, we had a good glimpse of their colorful camaraderie..

Ed, a friend of this 12 year old of mine, (who happens to be a real looker, btw) came home with Arief after school. Reason being, later that evening they were scheduled to go for a “solat hajat” at a nearby mosque in anticipation of their exams which begins today. Another friend IJ, (who comes across as also good looking but the quiet type) had asked if he may be picked up on the way to the masjid. So off they went, with Arief’s dad playing chauffeur.

In the car, on the way to IJ’s house, my dear husband had a blast…Ed, who is known to be very bubbly and because of his boyish good looks is even admired by a 13 year old (girl) friend of my other son, just couldn’t stop chatting. According to Arief, Ed "ni memang selalu goda budak pompuan" ..my God..I din't even know my son uses the word goda, ok...! Anyway, Ed was on a roll, and was obviously in the mood for a tell-all session – among others, he told Arief’s dad of IJ’s encounters with the opposite sex..and boy was it hilarious…!

According to Ed, so besotted was IJ with one 11 year old girl at school, (Ed says he used to thinks she’s pretty but up close she really isn’t so hot..! ha ha..) that he literally begged her to be his girl. This is all hearsay lah but according to Ed this conversation really took place..(Ed and Arief were there – kami intai diorang - so they admitted)

IJ : Shak, will you please, please be my girlfriend..? (hands clasped together begging) Ed added for drama – dia buat macam nak kahwin uncle, betul...!!!

Shak : emmmm…ok

IJ : How many percent awak suka saya?

Shak : err. 90%

IJ: How many percent awak suka Ed..??

Shak : 100%

And so, Shak became IJ’s girl but he sure was pissed at Ed for still coming out the winner. Well, according to Arief, Shak wasn’t IJ’s girl for very long, he seems to be one of those who likes to have his flavours of the week. So one day it’s Shak, another day, another girl..

Of course, Ed then told my husband, “uncle, nanti bila kita dah ambik IJ, uncle jangan cakap apa-apa ok..”

Arief’s dad : "Arief ada girlfriend tak? "

Ed : "Ada, Zaimah..tapi dulu, now dia tak suka dah..”

And so that was how we were enlightened on a facet of their lives…

Pain makes us brave

My thoughts are with you today. And right now I suppose 'access denied' just ain't workin' no more huh..Dear, I know this must be tough, especially the coming days and more so the coming weeks. But as you cross this new obstacle in your journey, try to just focus on the good times that you guys had..ok. And as always, just have faith and give yourself to Him.

You know, among my fondest memories of Sr Enda – that wonder woman whom a bunch of us girls used to call Principal for many, many years, is of her walking up to this chalkboard along the corridors of Assunta and writing motivational quotes on a daily basis. And one that never left me was that simple cliché “Man disposes, God disposes” So girl, it is obvious that He had other plans for you. And over the years some words of wisdom that I try to use as a mantra when the going gets tough is this – Dia tak akan uji kita di luar kemampuan kita. As hard as this is, you know you will make it through alrite.

So, as you hug them tight tonight, cry away if you have too but try to remain brave despite that pain because deep in you, you know they will be just fine..and God willing so will you.

I know, seberat mana pun yang I rasa over here, jauh lebih berat it is for you, but you're strong and trust me, this too shall pass. Besides, this gives you the perfect excuse to totally immerse yourself in work, all that wonderful deadlines of those horrendous academic obligations and before you know it - time for you to fly home.

In the meantime, when the gramps leave, go get rid of that extra mattress and if you have the slightest bit of free time, maybe you can go do what you do well, bake. After all, your new roomie deserves to get to know that side of you right.? In a few months you can go color your hair some more if you like, (can, I can fedex the color you want….promise…what do you fancy ..Anita Sarawak platinum??)

And yes, babe - you have my word, no smiley Raya pictures..!!

Que Sera Sera - ok...

Ok here’s the thing… in truth Arief is really an intelligent kid. He is very playful, no doubt, and can be very ‘blur’ sometimes but he’s not too bad, if only he gives himself half the chance and believes in himself a little more. And if only I make more effort to see him in a fresh perspective every now and then.

Sure, he may be no Einstein but he’s alright. He’s certainly not the most diligent kid around and frankly he could do with a whole lot of self motivation but let’s just put it this way. Arief can be a parenting challenge. But with him, there is no need to second guess his moves, what you see is what you get. And that is what makes him different - he is by far the most genuine kid I know.

I used to feel totally exasperated with him, in particular with issues that revolve around his academics. Arief has this carefree attitude, nothing bothers him much and the only thing that really gets to him is when you take away his privilege of watching football or playing football at the padang..that’s about it. Oh, and his brothers..they can get under his skin..I guess him being the middle child may have something to do with that.

Arief was born a mere 16 months after my oldest. Those who know our little family will generally know Shafique, my first born as the bright, expressive child while Arief is almost always the quiet one. Mischievous though he may be, he does not talk much. For almost 7 years he was the youngest child and then came our precious angel. Haqim is a pure gem, but only to those who bother to get to know him. He is very special because of a lot of reasons and every single day that I spend with him makes me thank God for blessing us with his presence.

Getting back to my Arief – he's my flavour of the month, he turns 12 tomorrow- hard to believe, yes.. and right now he is also my ultimate source of panic attack. Why? Because dear Arief is scheduled to sit for his first national exams in 3 days and he is still as cool as a cucumber..! Maybe because that green vegetable happens to be his favourite food on earth.. yes, no kidding, that’s my son..he loves cucumber, of all things..!!

Right now he really does not seem to be the least worried that his exams is around the corner. Around the corner? Good Lord, it's this coming Monday for goodness sake, it is now Friday...!!! Sure, he's spending less time in front of the tv but there really isn't time to do much anymore..!

Visualize this: -

Me: “Arief, how did you do?”.

Arief: “ok”

Me: “Arief, did you manage to answer the questions?”

Arief “ok”

Me: “Arief, are you prepared for your exams?”

Arief: “ok”

And that is no exaggeration. He is definitely my “Mat OK”.. Everything is a-ok to him..

I have now resigned to the fact that Arief may just be a late bloomer. In fact, I say with conviction that Arief may well go on to succeed in life because although academics may not exactly be his forte, he is a smart kid. And he is one of those “nice guy” types, the kinda kid that everyone wants to be friends with. Trust me, I was surprised to know how popular he is with his friends at school. But with the exams that begin Monday, I am still anxious. All I want is for him to do the best that he can cos' I would hate to see him feeling sorry for himself if he ends up not doing well, and yes, not doing as well as his older brother. Most of his young life seems to be about playing second fiddle and I want him to be able to make it through this time. But then again, maybe national exams is just too hyped up and clearly over-rated huh…??

Oh well, que sera sera..I just pray he has the confidence in himself and will be able to focus on his papers. I reckon if he concentrates fully and understands what the questions ask of him, he won’t do all that bad, God willing.

In the meantime, I'm still having a panic attack. Hey, don’t laugh…Wait till one of your brood turns out saying ok to every question thrown his or her way, then you’ll know what I mean…ok…??!!