of smoke and stone

Aahh, finally a window of time to write an entry..it’s been hardly a week but oh what an interesting few days it’s been. Everything happens for a reason, that’s what I believe. So, let me share with you what’s been going on.

I am writing from a hospital room..I am not in the hospital bed, but dear hubby is. Boxing day evening, while I was recovering from a splitting headache from earlier in the day, and just minutes after we returned home from work, hubby complained of a stomach ache. He spent a rather long time in the loo but that dint work. I thought it looked like a bad case of food poisoning but he said the pain was just unbearable. Finally, we headed for the 24-hr clinic. He took a turn for the worse in the car and so we ended up at the A&E at the nearest hospital. Food poisoning - the doctor said. But he was warded anyway because his blood cell count indicated an infection. Suffice to say, my headache evaporated with all that excitement.

The next morning, the specialist ordered an ultrasound scan because by then it was looking like a kidney stone problem. The scan showed no stones but his kidney was flared. So a CT scan followed after which they confirmed the kidney stone suspicion. Fast forward to today, the procedure is over with and here he sits feeling utter discomfort, and let’s just say as far as looks go, it is totally scary, ok…and even that is an understatement.

This episode, however, gave my dearest significant other a rare glimpse into what it feels like to be a childbearing woman..Well, the excruciating pain he felt would have been the closest he would ever come to labor pains, plus he had a spinal anesthesia done-not unlike an epidural although I’ve never had one of those during any of the 3 childbirths I went through, now he has to bear with the pain and discomfort of a catheter – an awful burning pain which I had to endure after the birth of my firstborn, and believe it or not he also gets to feel a similar situation to an IUD, details of that I shall withhold lah.

God works in mysterious ways yada yada yada, you all have heard of that right. Hubby smokes, and although he stopped for a good three years while we were away in the States, he picked it right up again when we came home for good. So with him in this hospital bed, feeling pretty awful and saying things like “God, knowing what I know now, I would tell people, please lah take care of yourself. And God knows how many he said said "siksanya" since his admission the ther night. And so going by that I further push for what I’ve always wanted – for him to STOP.

At this time of writing, there is an extremely interesting conversation going on. The fatherly man in the next bed, he is advising hubby to just drop the habit. This gentleman is saying all kinds of things that make me want to hug the man…! Serious….! In not so many words he is saying to hubby, wake up young man…do it for your kids..! How can you defend yourself in front of your kids if you can’t do this. The doc gave hubby a good dose of “you want to smoke or you want to be healthy” talk this morning too – to the good doctor, smoking is clearly haram.

So there you go, maybe this is God’s answers to my prayers. Maybe this will get me one step closer to fulfilling that wish to have him become an ex-smoker, yet again. So, am I concerned about his kidney stone – of course..! Do I empathize with his pain and that terrible discomfort he’s going through – without a doubt. But am I glad this happened..you bet I am. Now it’s a matter of making sure nothing weakens his resolve.

CINTA - the movie this time..

Have you guys watched the movie Cinta yet? Ok, for the record I am not a sucker for Malay movies, and apart from P.Ramlee comedies, the only Malay movies I thoroughly enjoy are Yasmin Ahmad’s and Afdlin Shauki’s. But all that media hype on Cinta just blew me away..and admittedly because of Rahim Razali and the like, I was quite quite curious.

So, a few days after it opened in cinemas, off we went. My verdict? Well, for a Malay movie, it was very enjoyable although admittedly some lines were too sappy and cliché. But on the whole the dialog was really good, great acting and loads of emotional scenes. So yes, I cried..

The media promoted it as “10 Bintang, 5 Kisah Cinta, 1 Cerita.” And it provokes you further by saying, yang mana kisah anda, or something like that lah. Hmm…I think I most certainly related to the love story between the married couple, played by Rashidi Ishak and Rita Rudaini. (I tak pernah tau sapa this lady before this, but she is not bad..).

Just a little gist, they were teenage sweethearts, she’s known him since she was 18, I think. To him, she had always been the one, and he had consistently pursued her and wooed her with sweet nothings, lovely sketches and poetic words. For her, he was just there, and with all that attention, she had simply gone with the flow and never bothered to fight it. After marriage and a kid later, she slowly realized it takes more than mere affection to stay together. Indeed, it takes something a lot deeper, it takes true love..

The way I saw it - sekadar perasan kasih sayang belum cukup menjanjikan kebahagiaan, belum pasti menjamin keindahan nan abadi.

So, in essence, that was what happened. She did not stop loving him, but she came to the realization that she needed to be in love to stay with him. He was a loving husband, a doting dad, but their love was just not meant to be. And oh how I cried, the night before she moved out, the quiet moments he spent with his little girl..and the broken man he became after she left.

Why I related to that one? I don’t know..maybe because I felt so close to walking away, like she did. And maybe because I thank God, I did not…

bukan mudah membina rasa
bukan mudah mencorak kasih
bukan mudah mencari cinta
kata kata mungkin membuai perasaan..
belaian dan sentuhan mungkin
menjadi igauan..

namun hakikatnya, cinta itu datang jua,
terlalu indah
bila ia menyapa…dan terus disuburkan
dengan seribu kenangan
walau luka dan airmata
sering menyinggah
walau peritnya pengorbanan
tapi cukup
mengajar erti tanggungjawab
erti perkongsian

bilamana rasa itu tanpa sangsi
bilamana kasih kukuh bertaut
bilamana cinta bukan lagi mimpi
kebahagiaan paling manis
pasti…


‘nuff said. As for the rest of the movie..go watch lah..

Episod Cinta

EPISOD CINTA

Pertemuan kau dan aku malam itu
Sungguh tak kuduga sayang
Bagaimana hati ini sering saja
Gelisah sepanjang masa
Bila kupandang wajahmu
Hatiku berdebar bagai guruh
Yang menerjang didalam dada
Mencengkam
Bersamamu kini setelah
Segalanya kukatakan
Cintaku dan kasihku hanya dirimu
Senyumanmu sayang kau beri
Bersama belaian yang mesra
Itulah mulanya cinta kita…
-Flybaits-

Am I sounding corny..? Well, that’s one of the first “our song” for me and hubby. And why the mushi-ness you ask? Well, yesterday, 14 December 2006 marked exactly 21 years since he and I first met each other. Yes, you read that right..21 years..! I AM old huh?! Ye-lah, what do you expect, we met when I was 17 and he was 20. Dec 14, that date is something we’ve always acknowledged and celebrated - at times even more so that our wedding anniv because on that fateful night, both our lives changed forever.

The friends who were responsible for introducing us are still in our lives but they are not privy to my blog. And for those of you who do read this and don’t know the history, why don’t I bore you beginning right about now….he he..

I knew him only as the brother of so and so, who was a guy going out with somebody who was a friend of a friend. Are you still with me..?? ok, who cares, this is my blog, I write lah what I want kan, so long as I don’t ruffle any political or religious feathers, right or not..?

Anyway, let’s cut it lah. There was this new year dance at the club and me and a few frens were planning to go. This friend was also planning to invite a few of her other friends who had just returned from umrah the nite before. (of all things..balik umrah, pergi new year dance.,tak tau le) I went to the dance with a guy friend, whom to me was just a friend but me to him…that one never mind lah, different story.. eh, are you people bored yet?

So, then we met, at the steps of the club entrance. No sparks yet, but the nite got interesting and to put it plainly, I pretty much left the dance with him, the other guy must have been less than thrilled…thank goodness they are also friends, went to asrama together and all. It’s just me and him yang tak pernah jumpa dan tak pernah kenal.

We all went out together after the dance, but somehow there was something there, you know la. Anyway, I spent the nite at my girlfren’s place and so did he and the rest of the gang so we kinda spent the rest of the evening together lah. Eh, but don’t la let your imagination run wild ok..! Anyway, he was different and for the record I must say he was more smittened than I was..ha ha…..!! He began calling, and sending me these mushy cards, eh, hello, 21 years ago where got sms all…still good ole Hallmark ok..!

Then a week or so later I was going on this train trip with my family to Penang. And the nite before we spent hours on the phone. By his birthday in January things got cold because I realized there was kinda another ‘party’ so I backed off. He wooed me again come Valentine’s Day and showed up at a birthday bash I had that April. After that he pretty much made sure my mom warmed up to him and despite a period of me saying no,no, no and even me having a brief something else with someone else, he kept on pushing.

As a matter of fact, I just couldn’t seem to shake him away.

He’s different. A lot of our values were almost worlds apart, he was just not my kind I said. But the chemistry was too strong and his persistence was not easy to resist. Deep within me I knew the differences were going to make things difficult but he just kept on pursuing and pursuing. True enough, years later those different sets of values threatened what we had built and many a times I wanted to run, sometimes almost literally.

But by the Grace of God, we persevered, and now as we look back, although for awhile the ride was awfully bumpy, in the end doa and love conquered all. Mom used to say getting married is easy, staying married, now that’s the tricky part.

Tonite we went to a spontaneous dinner and had a good time, after which I was totally surprised when a lady walked up to me with a small bouquet of roses..he had signed the card, “To my sayang, Happy 21^st Fourteen.. love, boyfriend…”

So friends, if you’re still with me, now you can understand why the mushi-ness… aahhh…love is bliss..

Once upon a Friday

There are bad days and there are really baaad days... Well, last week I had a close encounter of such a day..

What started off as a promising Friday ended up with quite a bang- or jump rather. More on that later though. First I went to work that Friday after having been on leave for several days and my agitated superior had loads of paperwork that needed to be cleared of her desk. And due to an oversight on moi’s part on a portion of the work, she was less than thrilled. Ok, fine, I rectify that immediately. Of course my desk was piled up with files up to my nose, thanks to my then very pregnant colleague, - who has since given birth.

Then amidst more than a dozen calls that I had to make that day, I got to know from my son of certain remarks that were uttered which I felt were totally uncalled for. Who they were from, tak payah sebut-lah. Who was it though who told me I should not be blogging about that person…? Aarrrghhh….But now it just reinforces what I’ve known, that the feeling is mutual…wonderful! Frankly, I don’t give a hoot, but what bothers me is how it affects my boys.

So, past 8pm I decided I have had enough of work and nonsense, I headed for home. My husband was supposed to pick me up and voila, he could not start the car..no, no, he could not even get the car door to open, the remote was absolutely non-functioning..!! Great, just what I need…A quick call to the Toyota emergency told him he needed to get the spare remote..at home. Luckily a friend of his volunteered to do just that while my husband stayed on to finish up some work, and yours truly chose to take the train to his office rather than hang around at mine. All this trouble from a car that was less than a month old!

Sometime later the friend returned with the remote and yup, you guessed it – it wasn’t the remote after all….yea, yea, later we discovered the battery was flat, and yes, hubby dearest had left the lights on from the time he came back after Friday prayers…what a wonderful surprise..! It took another hour for the Toyota guys to come jumpstart the car..finally, an end to my car woes for the evening! Hubby of course used the time to complete that urgent presentation he had to work on irregardless, and me, well, thank goodness for my Readers Digest..and a pen and paper to write this entry.

By the time we got home it was past 1am and after a short dialogue with hubby on that nonsensical remark which I was told about earlier in the day, I finally had enough. I agreed with him - on certain occasions, when people think the worst of you, you might as well just play along, That way there is little expectation from your end, plus you have all the excuse to keep a distance. Ah, now that, I can live with...Am I sounding cynical? Well, maybe just a little but what does it matter?? I’d rather worry about my new car and making sure I never leave the lights on.

one of those things...

My dim sum date was nothing less than great. As always a date out with the girls never fail to lift my spirits and make me laugh and sometimes cry. This time around we shared some nice stories too. Z shared her grief over the passing of a loved one, R had loads to share with her parliament stories, Fr and her home issues and me and my il nighmare..

But among others, the one about F and her dilemma has to take the cake..about how hubby dearest is now at that new-found spiritual stage - where he would like the wife to don the scarf. Yes, the tudung…Hmm, I remember my personal experience with that very,very well. To say the entire episode was tough is truly an understatement! I went through many days of anger and resentment. I knew I was headed that way – covering my head that is– eventually - but I had always thought it would be in my own time. And not because my husbands tells me so. I hated him for going through what I termed as a spiritual phase and I resented him for making me feel like I was this terrible Muslim. Now, some 3 years on, I no longer resent him and I certainly have no anger towards. I do however, have a long way to go still. Half the time I don’t think I am doing things right. My first born, who happens to go to a religious boarding school reminds me from time to time…and I must admit feeling rather embarrassed by that. However, I now feel a deeper sense of spiritual belief..I feel a lot more at peace and I honestly feel I can ‘talk’ to God, not that I could not before but I don’t know lah how to explain it….! Anyway, I hope slowly others aspects of my religion and all of its other obligations will all fall into place in my life.

So to F, I know that feeling, dreading to finally ‘do it’ but believe me, one day it will all feel so natural that you would almost feel naked leaving home without your head covered. And trust me, our hubbies are only doing what they actually should do anyway, and frankly maybe it’s really a favor because we girls don’t seem to be able to ‘get it’ on our own..ha ha....and after all we are not in our 20’s no more – Good Lord we’re old…! So it’s not easy to change us ‘ole goats kan..thank goodness we have fairly patient husbands…! Anyways F, remember to call me when you make a visit to Munawarah and we make it a girl’s day out alrite..!

Me....jumpy..??

You know the man I married..the one I call SI..this morning he gently asked me “sayang, why are you so jumpy these days..” I didn’t take that remark too kindly but I didn’t fight it either and he left me to ponder over it.

Am I jumpy lately..? Hmm..maybe a little..” (yea,yea, to which my boys will probably go “ A LITTLE???” )Ok, ok, so maybe I have been just a tad egdy lately. I haven’t the faintest idea why though. Maybe it’s this terrible cold I’m having. That splitting headache that sometimes comes with it, sniffling and coughing away with that scratchy feeling down your throat..know that feeling..? Generally I feel quite contented with what life has to offer right now....and please, I am nowhere near menopausal laaa….Maybe it’s the fact that school holidays are here..and with the 3 boys who think it's perfectly alright to play ball in the house, I guess that justifies a certain degree of jumpiness….?

My kids are my joy, there is no denying the fact. But there are times the things they do drive you up the wall and make you lose your better sense of judgment. And then there is the father..the one I’d rather not go head-on against, the very same one that I have some issues with..and what’s the biggest bone of contention right now..why, puff the magic dragon of course..except in this case, puff is more like an ugly sinister monster that just won’t go away. That lighting up habit of his..the very same habit he managed to beat more than a decade ago, in the land where smokers were marginalized (and where smokers at gatherings were most likely Malaysian students..)..That exact habit he picked right up again within weeks after we reached Malaysian soil. Aaah…enuf said on that one. He knows how much the family detests it so I wish one day he’ll muster enough strength to finally stop. Although I must say his efforts of reducing doesn’t go unnoticed. For one, he now uses our bedroom toilet to pangsai because now he doesn’t need to light up before going!

And the kids – my precious boys..they have a knack of testing my patience just when I am having the most terrible day. Work is not always a joy so imagine having a bad day and then coming home to face parenting challenges..not fun at all.. you guys know that. And the recent episode involving my son’s first major setback in his life. Although as I had written in my last blog entry, no doubt a blessing in disguise, nonetheless it was certainly filled with its fair share of anxious moments for me. In the latest Jodi Picoult book I’m reading, I was so taken by this line..

Like it or not, you acquire a sixth sense when it comes to your children, viscerally feeling their joy, and frustration and the sharp blow to the heart when someone (or something) causes them pain.

All that, plus this awful cold...and he asks me why I'm jumpy...?

Thank goodness for the dim sum date with my girlfriends tomorrow....!! A sure antidote for jumpiness...

Post raya

It looks like it’s been awhile since I last blogged and I feel there is just soo much to write about…! It’s been relatively exciting these past couple of weeks..first it was raya and all..and then a round of “ping-ponging”, (if I may borrow from my sil)..of e-mails that were unnecessary – to say the least. And then there was my son and his first major disappointment in life..

Raya was good..with many happy moments and having lil Ben for awhile was also loads of fun. Raya open houses were generally tiring but fun to catch up with those you do not meet often. I must have over did it as far as the activities go though because now my throat feels terrible and I have been feeling feverish all morning.

Then there was mil’s birthday bash and we had a good time at the determined venue. The event was planned at the very last minute to be out of the ordinary this year due to some developments with the ole’ man, my dear fil. That, btw, was a TOTALLY unnecessary episode. Nope, not the birthday do – but rather the events that led to the birthday do. All I can say is, I pray to God neither me nor hubby will not turn out anything remotely close to that – merajuk tak tentu hala..

Ok..then there was that ping-pong-ing thingy. I have long realized that coming from the same womb is by no means an assurance that people think alike. As a matter of fact, I am all for “agreeing to disagree” but it is always the spirit that is questionable. The intention, and the approach, the perspective of the issues that can be so easily distorted….those are the things that irk me. Me- emotional..? I admit I can be so at times but in this particular case, emo was not it – I was just plain tired. Something so simple surely did not merit such overwhelming attention. I would have appreciated if the response came back in a “yes, but” manner rather than thrashing it and taking it totally out of context. Ni yang orang kata benda tak susah, tapi kita yang buat jadi susah. But then again, I have to respect how others feel so que sera sera je lah..

Meanwhile, our brief vacation was simply awesome..! We managed to have a great time on a very careful budget. I happen to see things this way - if we have to wait until we are totally debt free and have achieved absolute financial freedom before we can get away for a few days..I reckon it would have had to be a very long wait. Thus, the trip.

And just days after we got back, Arief got his results. It was disappointing and he was badly affected by it. I really felt for him but in all honesty, I feel it was a much needed jolt for Arief. My doa is he will learn a thing or two from this whole episode and turn this into a significant turning point in his life. As a mother, I wept with him and shared his sorrow but deep within me, I knew this was a blessing in disguise. I pray he will not let this setback deter him and will just pick himself up again and move on.

After all, sometimes we all need bitter lessons in life to appreciate life in itself. I should know, I think I have had my fair share of those.

Raya Tales - or make that frog tale....

So, we are now on the 7th day of Raya.. happy haloween wishes pulak now in order. All in all, Raya was pretty good. The mood, the company, the food…it was essentially a good one although I missed my dear sister esp during the road trip. Sis, after the 2 boys left back for KL, I really missed them, esp Ed he was always hanging out with us becos of Qim and also becos he would otherwise be laughing almost constantly.

There were of cos a few elements that added to all that Raya drama..the ole man being a tad miffed, (oh, by this time of writing, make that 2 ole men..the second one being more than a tad miffed nampak gayanya) the fact that I finally broke the silence of a family member’s intention and seriousness in “nak bukak cawangan” , my 5 year old’s sharp quips, and of cos my frog tale.

The ole man’s story will have to be shared with my OZ sis, another day sis..ok. My son’s tales almost always has you gaping not quite knowing what to say – He learned the meaning of the word ‘stranger’ and was told by dear Opah, a stranger means someone you don’t know. So at the Raya makan that my father organized for his sedara-mara, my dear son suddenly hands me a duit Raya packet saying “mom, a stranger gave me this”..a stranger of cos being a family member standing right next to me.. ! Yup, I was quite embarrassed!

Meanwhile, the frog tale went like this..we were at my aunt’s at the kampong when I had the urge to go shi shi. I had no idea my hubby had already gone – (that dear man I married dint have the sense to warn me lah of cos..) So off I went to their kitchen area, and was told to just go squat on the bathroom floor…huh..? because the toilet is clogged and cant be used. So ok lah…I went in, unzipped my pants, found a spot, and began to relief myself. When all of a sudden, I noticed this brownish, greenish looking creature right behind the toilet…for a split second I thought it was a frog, but then I quickly dismissed it. No, cannot be..yes, I was at the kampong but a nice looking toilet like that..? But a second look did it, it was indeed a frog…sitting nice and pretty less than 4 feet away from me…..!!!! (nad- you wud have screamed and literally wet your pants…trust me..)

I was horrified – to say the least. What was I to do..nie tgh pissing away ni and although the books tell you Kegel exercise does wonders for your vaginal muscles, that thought just never crossed my mind at the time. Besides, I REALLY needed to go, you know what I mean.. So I closed my eyes – yea right – like out of sight, out of mind..ha ha…, and then when I was done I reached for the gayung / cebok and had to open the tap. Which just HAD to be located like a foot and a half above me lah kan…so I had to tippie toe a little…open the tap, place the cebok right underneath and well, you know lah. But seeing the horrific state I was in and being completely taken over by my fear that little froggie behind there may hop over to say hello any minute then – I actually tried to make the least commotion possible. For some reason, I thought if I did not make any noise, I could fool the frog into thinking nobody’s there…(ok, go ahead, laugh, laugh at my expense…). Hey, the tap water flowing into the cebok I thought would have made quite a bit of noise ok., I just figured..oh, never mind… Anyway, suffice to say, it was one of the fastest toilet break ever for me…I cudnt wait to get outta there so I just pulled my pants and zipped outside.

Din’t tell a soul after I got out but when we were at their dining table enjoying the kuih raya.. then my husband tells us, “eh, you all ada masuk toilet Maklong tak..ada katak..” Thank you lah darling…NOW you tell me…! And of course they all had a good guffaw lah.. me trying to fool the frog….

So, how was your Raya…?

The Ramadhan That Was

Is it a sign of age catching up or does time just zoom by you these days..? It felt like just a few days ago when I wrote about Ramadhan being near and now we’re only hardly a week away from Aidlfitri.

All in all it has been a blessed Ramadhan this year. Way way better than what things were like this time last year.. Then, the entire month of Ramadhan was rather somber and bleak..to say the least. Alhamdulillah, it turned out to be a good Syawal last year and things began to take a turn for the better at that juncture. But that’s a whole other blog entry on a much more personal level – lah..

This past weekend I was not around to buka puasa with my folks on our usual Saturday makan. I made up for it by going for one day earlier that week while the rest of my gang showed up for buka on Friday evening. We could not make buka on Saturday because an uncle of my husband had a kenduri, a buka puasa cum housewarning kenduri of sorts. That night a few things hit me.. my 13 year old son has improved a lot in being muezzin and nearly brought tears to my eyes as he recited the azan. I felt myself swell with pride as he began the call for prayer that night.. Honestly, to hear suara Shaf bergema malam tu was one of those important moments that hit me…thank God we all persevered. Meanwhile, another thing, my fil…well, what can I say..he’s an old man so we can’t tegur him but I wish God would bukak hati dia to see certain things. Enuf said.

On another note, last week, I received some bad news about my girlfriend whose mom was recently diagnosed with cancer. She just started a second round of chemo and now they find out the mother is already at a stage 4. I cried when I got that mail..to put myself in F’s shoes..it has to be tough. She’s only 1 of 2 siblings and the sole child who is residing in the country. My heart goes out to her and I hope she can find the strength she needs to get her through this.

Apart from that, we had a pretty good week. Of course my days are always made more interesting with quips from my 5 year old. Last week was no exception. One day I asked him to accompany me to the Ramadhan bazzar when he was lazing in front of the tv watching (what else) Channel 63. He reluctantly agreed and when in the car, he casually asked me “ Mom, why did you ask me to come with you.?.” Mummy then answered
“ because you’re my precious angel.” And he replied, “ nooo…I think the reel reason is because you’re alone..” Ha ha…cheeky little devil..!

And another day he asked me, “mom, does it hurt when we die..?” He caught me there but after I paused for a second I replied, “not if you’re a good Muslim’ to which he promptly answered. “I’m a good Muslim”. Then I asked, “son, why do you ask that” bracing myself for what his response might be when all he said was a cute “becaaause I’m just a kid mom, I don’t know everything”.. ha ha…!!

Speaking of kids, the younger sister of my sil just gave birth to her 4th child. After 3 boys, she finally gets a lil princess….how wonderful..! Unplanned though it may be, and knowing Lina - she never scans the sex of her babies, it must have been really thrilling no doubt. She told me, maybe this will inspire me..ha, ha, no chance of that happening, eventhough I admit to a slight degree of envy, it ain’t enough to trigger inspiration at this point in time..!

Well, with only barely a week away from Aidlfitri, I have some errands to take care of. Baking cookies, picking up our “baju raya” from the tailor and getting raya packets stuffed with crisp, new notes. I will be missing my dearest sister this year. She is always missed, no matter when I just want to gossip, talk about the kids, share stuff about our folks, or simply when the going gets tough – thank goodness for online conversations..! And of course my dearest sil is always around so that’s a blessing. Incidentally, thanks so much for sharing the cream puff recipe…went a long way in impressing my inlaws..!!

Well, the last few years I always feel a tinge of sadness when Ramadhan leaves..that has to be a sign I am getting older and (hopefully) wiser.

Have a blessed Ailditfri one and all…

…salam kemaafan penuh ikhlas.

Sexy lingerie

Today I read a report in the newspapers that says a Melbourne clothes manufacturer proposed a govt subsidy for sexy lingerie..A what..??? Yup, it says this can help reduce divorce rates, boost birth rates and generally make Aussie a happier nation..! wow, so easy to create a happy nation aah? And here we are, a nation quiblling with everyone from our former you know how, our neighbour down south, and everyone else in between.

Sexy lingerie is expensive the article says..yes, tell me about it, I just found out from a friend of mine, one direct selling co that sells "slimming" lingerie carries a RM700 panty in its line..would you believe it!! When I told this to hubby, he said what so special about the panties, is it see-thru or something?? Hah, men - if see-thru, the men lah pay the 700 bucks...betul tak??! kah kah..

Anyway, it seems in OZ, 40% of marriages end in divorce so they figure cutting the cost of frilly satin will go a long way in making "women feel a lot better which would then mean their hubbies will feel a lot better too" - hmmm..which school of logic did that stem from.

Ok, I admit, I don't own many sexy lingerie. One because I admit lah, not curvy pun...two, hubby insists don't waste money on something that will only stay on for a short while.. ha haa...Besides, I agree, I would much rather spend my money on shoes...!

So, does this mean my marriage is doomed? I am sure it takes a whole lot more than sexy lingerie to keep couples from killing each other anyway. If dah tak serasi tu, no amount of subsidized lingerie is gonna do it lah. Maybe in the heat of the moment you can forget all your troubles but after all is over can you go back to being problem free? Nak cari relationship that is stress free and without issues, I think not easy la. Unconditional love, patience and understanding, a good dose of humor and the occasional flirting with one another will do a lot more good in the long run. After that, you just have to have faith that God knows best and never forget to ask Him for guidance.

So should I go run off to Xixili or Blush now and see what's on offer? naaah...I recall a pretty good romp that din't involve any sexy lingerie pun so no need lah waste my moolah..!

RM700 for a pair of lace panties...? yes, serious, go figure....

Happy Birthday to Opah...

Yesterday the family celebrated Opah’s birthday. Opah to all our kids, mak to the rest of us - her brood and menantus. Her 63rd. It was the usual boisterous affair, surrounded by most of her loved ones. With the exception of my firstborn, who was at school since it’s a weekday, my brother who was still stuck at work (no sis, it was your older bro, the hotshot producer was already home) and of course you - my dearest sister who is away down under, the rest were there to sing and wish her. Sis dearest, you wud be happy to know that little Ben was as cute and active as ever. Each time his dad lighted a candle (on the brownie that you know who baked lah of course, eh btw, she made rilly, rilly delicious cream puffs lah..you MUST get her to make some when you come home for your break), he would happily blow it off, so as you might imagine that process went on for awhile….We have some photos but so as to not heighten your misery, you can just picture the scene in your head lah ok.

Anyway, this year me and hubby and the kids got mak something rather special. It’s a book called “SHE – A tribute to the Women of Malaysia”. Aaah…befitting don’t you think so. Of cos Paksu was a tad annoyed that I beat him to it since he had actually seen the book on the shelves way before I did but due to some miscommunication with mak, he had the impression that she already had a copy. It’s one of those coffee table books, which personally I thought should have been of better quality but doesn’t matter lah. Mak appeared more than once in the book, so that was good enough.

Mak has always been this resilient woman, with incredible strength and determination. She stayed away from abah when she was a young mother with a toddler and an elderly mother to take care of back on home soil. Much later she left and took the four of us to live in the States while she did her sabbatical. Now, my younger sister looks set in following her footsteps. At this rate she may be the one amongst us who will leave a mark in women history of the country..mana tau, jadi first female AG in years to come..? Ok tu sis…I tumpang bangga je..

Anyway, although mak and I do not always agree, she always gets my respect. Of course, she is not without imperfections but those are hard to come by. All in all, she is the one I still turn to, in time of need. Hubby used to joke he can hardly get me to listen to him, cos I will only agree if the things he says come from either my girlfriends, my sister or mak.

Growing up, I guess there were times when I did not live up to her expectations and I sometimes wish things could have been different. But as always, everything happens for a reason. I am now a grown woman and mother of 3 but I still listen to her a lot and many decisions I make I do so taking her views into consideration. Heck, mak even heavily influenced who I ended up marrying. Hubby played his cards well and won her heart before I actually fell for him so by the time I had second thoughts mak kinda prodded me along and before I knew it things were progressing towards us being husband and wife.

Mak taught me a lot of things. From the days when I was a kid when she made me underline words in Ladybird books to do spelling with me, right up to helping me when I first started breastfeeding. To offering me words of comfort when things were rough for me and hubby, and dishing out sound advice when I face situations involving my kids. When feelings are ruffled in the family, she is there to ensure we stay civil. She can be a bit straight and will blurt out things she should not but she always means well and never has a hidden agenda. With mak, there is a never a need to second guess her motives so what you see is what you get. In all honesty, there are things that I wish she could see from different perspectives, but warts and all, she is alright. Always my voice of reason, mak is always, always my pillar of strength.

So, to mak, thank you for all that you are. Although I know she is not privy to my blog entries, I am sure she knows that she is loved and thought of always. Semoga panjang umur, sihat selalu, insyaAllah.

God bless.

The super hero and the maid

Remember the super hero at the mosque that I talked about..? Well, I went there again last nite and although I cannot be absolutely sure it was him, I am willing to bet the cute kid with the ultraman pjs last nite was the same one with the flowing cape.

And was he with his lego blocks and toy cars again? Nope, mom probably decided to leave those at home after last week. But this kid, he was quite unruly - to say the least! I realized the person praying next to me must have been his maid, (ye lah, muka jowo…) and initially I was observing how comfortable the kid is with her. He comes to her, kisses her and totally happy to be in her arms.. I must say with all my 3 boys, none ever had that kind of affection with the maid. Not even when I had my reliable Nikka for over 8 years. Thank goodness - I don’t think I would be comfortable with seeing how affectionate my kids can be with the maid. I mean, ok, so the kids spend a lot of their waking hours with the maids, but it still makes me uneasy lah.

Back to super hero, it wasn’t long before his cute demeanor faded. This kid, he was no less than 4 yo I figured. In which case, as I had said, is old enough to be told, if anyone sembahyang, you are not supposed to disturb, correct? But noo…superhero was all over the bibik..! Literally! He leaped on her back, tugged her telekung, heck – he went under her telekung! You know how a little toddler usually does when they see their moms praying. This was no waddling toddler, he’s a 4 year old kid..! (I later asked the maid his age, see, I was right!) He merrily chatted with her (and also said, nak minum, nak minum) and so all that cuteness was gone. Instead I wanted so much to just tell him off. Where was the mom? Beats me..!

I know kids will be kids, but right from small our kids are always told, you should never disturb when adults tengah sembahyang and my Haqim would even place a cushion or pillow or whatever he can find if he needs to walk past us when we pray. Super hero is either free to roam the kingdom or just completely incorrigible. I pray my kids never become like that. What amazes me, the parents tak tegur ke anak anak depa ni?!

I believe kids can be taught right from wrong. My boys are far from perfect and we certainly have some behavioral issues but generally they are decent kids. And I am not even saying kids should be ruled with an iron fist and should only be seen and not heard. You should hear my 5 year old when he converses with us. He is always encouraged to show his emotions and so you would know when he is upset cos he will tell you, “mom, you’re making me angry” or when he’s naughty, we are stern and explain why his behavior is unacceptable and although he will sulk, he understands throwing a tantrum is not going to achieve very much.

There was a time when he was very upset and told me, “I don’t think I like you very much anymore”. I was initially taken aback but instead of getting all upset, I sat down with him and asked him why he felt the way he did. And I tried to explain that yes, sometimes people closest to us can make us so angry that it may seem we don’t like them very much anymore and that it’s ok to feel that way. I did remind him that we should always love one another no matter what happens.

So, back to super hero, I wish I can just tell the mom, don’t lah bring your kid to the masjid anymore. It’s not like the maid can concentrate anyway.

of mengaji classes, tarawikh and noisy brats

Seeing that it’s Ramadhan and Arief is done with his exams, hubby and I decided to get him back on track as far as his mengaji is concerned. Our eldest, Shaf had also said he would like to go back to his former ustazah for some refresher of some sort. So after a quick call to the ever reliable Uztazah, I hollered to the boys last Saturday morning, ok kids, mengaji at 9:30 today! That of course did not go down too well with Arief because he was supposed to have a futsal match with some friends at 11 but no big deal, mengaji would be done before then so off you go..come on, no more excuses..! And at the last minute, hubby said, why don’t we send off our precious as well.

So there, Saturday officially became Haqim’s first day of mengaji..! yeay… off he went with his little jubah and skull cap, armed with a mini jawi book. He came back all excited, recited a portion of the alif, ba, ta and had written jawi very neatly in a new exercise book. Soo proud of him..! One funny thing though, Uzatazah had apparently told Haqim’s brothers to please talk to him in Bahasa more because Haqim speaks mostly English whereas Uztazah most certainly doesn’t. Then by Tuesday, which was his 3rd lesson, Arief told us, uztazah had begun speaking to Haqim in English…! Way to go Uztazah..!

Ok, now about tarawikh prayers. For many years we have been regulars at our neighborhood mosque, although once in awhile we do visit others, just for a change of environment. This year, we started off with the big mosque at Jalan Duta – Masjid Wilayah, and for hubby, there was no turning back. He likes the place so much he is willing to drive all the way there every single nite. I, on the other hand still prefer the familiarity of our mosque and all that it has to offer. We prefer to do 8, and they do just 8 at this small mosque of ours. Besides, it has adequate a/c, bacaan imam that is not bad and as soon as we’re done with witir, it’s immediately followed by ‘ratib’ that is so soo mendayu…

Despite the grandeur of Masjid Wilayah, I find it rather uninviting. And you would think a mosque of that size must have super cool air conditioning correct? Naaah..The rest cannot understand me when I tell them, the place is warm..! Very warm, unless you pick a spot right under the a/c louvers, in which case, you’d end up praying solo, when the rest of the female jemaah will most likely be way up front. And of course there they do 20 each nite, and so witir would be on our own and when you leave, there is no ‘feel’ , you know. But, hubby likes it there and although it’s not what I prefer, it’s not something worth arguing over. Besides, I know he doesn’t stop me from going to our mosque if I so wish. I’m the one who much prefer to go togeder-geder..

There are however, several nights where he agrees to go back to that familiar mosque near home. And last night was a case in point. But only for him to confirm that he much prefers Masjid Wilayah. So we have kinda reached a nice compromise. How nicely that plan will work- we will see-lah.

Ok, sothere I was last nite, that small mosque-lah. We got there just before Isyak prayers so I got a spot close to the back. However, it was a nice spot because it was also under the fans and so I had nothing to complain about. Oops, I spoke too soon. Halfway through my tarawikh, some familiar shrill came from the back. That familiar sound of little kids playing with toy cars, would you believe it - having loads of fun of course. I could only afford to curse them in my heart – ye lah, I was supposed to be praying remember..! When we stopped for breather between the ‘sets’ I turned in their direction and tried to give them a glare, din’t work..they were too far to my right. Good Lord, where in the world are your mothers??! These were not toddlers ok, they must be at least 5, 6 years old. Certainly old enough to understand that you’re not supposed to make a racket dalam masjid. Bapaknya pulak entah lah ke mana, don’t see why they could not just follow their dad and pray along.

Ok, so one young mom came behind, reprimanded her kid and for the rest of the time, that particular boy was quiet. For the other 2, it was still party time. One was even dressed in one of those super heroes PJs complete with flowing cape, no wonder he was so hyper! Ok, Pak Imam, err, do you think I can interrupt and make an announcement at this juncture, do you allow that..? Noo.? Oh well, just wondering..

Ok, ok, so maybe these moms don’t have maids so they have no choice but to bring their kids to the mosque..well, then make sure they behave- lah for heavens sake! Or sembahyang je lah kat rumah – kalau dah anak tu tak reti bahasa, sampai terlalu menganggu jemaah lain…(ok, if I just use the word ‘mengong’ or something, would that constitute me being rude and therefore disallowing me from collecting brownie points for todays’ puasa..? ok, so I won’t use the word then..) See, the thing is, I don’t know how these moms can just continue as if all was well. The kids were loud ok, very loud! When we were all done, I turned to see what the mom looked like. I saw an elderly lady who looked like their maid, (ok, so dia pun sembahyang juga ke....) and then the young mom came, and merrily collected all the toy cars which by then were scattered all over the back. Oh, did I mention they had lego blocks too? The place is not carpeted all the way to the back so imagine the din they were making with legos and toy cars on the marble flooring! The super heroes had vanished by then, probably they had a rescue mission.

I just sighed as I left. Ok lah sayang, tomorrow nite we’ll go masjid wilayah ok..?

Officer 2164

"Mom, from now on, don’t call me Haqim ok, call me Officer 2164.”

That was what he told me yesterday when I called him from work. You see, they're learning about all kinds of occupation and yesterday it was a police officer. He even came home with a cool badge bearing the said no and has the words “Young Thinker’s Squad” with double sided tape, stuck onto his shirt… isn’t that adorable..?? Ok, he’s my 5 year old son, so yes, he is adorable, without a doubt!

As I drove into the porch when I got home yesterday, there he was - at the front door, greeting me with a salute and wearing that police badge on his tank top! So yesterday evening he was Officer 2164, right til bedtime. (incidentally, officer 2164's ambition, the last time we asked, is to be a dentist..! Why? Well, because he always enjoys his trips to the dentist and he thinks the dentist has a very nice office!!) - See, I told you he's adorable..! ha ha

Today they are supposed to have some role play, and my precious angel will be the ambulance driver! He said, “you know mom, err, actually, I was supposed to be the victim, but then now I’m the ambulance driver.” (actually, I just found out from him a short while ago that he was "actually a paramedic..!")

Anyway, in the wee hours this morning, while it was still dark outside Haqim had woken up. His daddy and me were awake too but still "dok mengegham atas katil" and the first sound we heard was a shrilling “nee noo nee noo”. And of course mummy played along and pretty soon I ‘called’ an emergency (ok, digressing just a little - do you guys know what no to call in case of an emergency..??).

Anyhow, this took place..for real ok….!

Mom: “ Hello, (trying to sound real frantic – laa) I have an emergency. My cat has gone up the roof, can I get some help to get him down?”

Him: “oh, you need the rescue policeman”

Mom: “oh, yea, ok, (silly me, he was the ambulance guy..!)

Him: : “But the police station is not open yet. They open at 9 o’clock, Now it’s still dawn..!”

Mom: speechless..just rolled around with laughter…

Aaah, I never recall learning was this much fun..!

Ramadhan al-Mubarak

So folks, puasa month is here again. Well, in a few days lah. And of course that damn weekend roster that just came out here at work has my name up for site duty this Saturday. As I had expected.. since I had the last 2 weekends free and seeing that it is almost puasa month, I suppose my name just HAD to come up for this weekend.. shucks!
Anyway, there goes the plan for a movie with my precious angel…

So this year, Ramadhan will be without my dearest sister in town. The now OZ celup sis of mine will be missed, along with her kuey teow putih, beef stew, daging mu’az etc etc.. (jgn nangis sis…) Chances are she will still be away when syawal comes along too, unless of course she decides to flee melb for a short rendezvous, I donno laa..

Ok, sis, as promised, no group photo this raya, unless that computer savvy sil of ours can superimpose your cute face. Hey, just this morning, it was realized that ayahanda cc’d his mail to your ag address, and Fred said hey who knows, maybe you ARE in town, perhaps you were a stowaway on your hubby’s flight! Ha ha…

Last nite I caught a bit of this malay drama, (nope, I still don’t watch malay dramas, shame on me..but hubby.. yea, he’s a true anak melayu kan..) and there was a scene where this family was putting up those lampu kelip kelip as puasa month began. And when a neighbour commented “orang pasang lampu bila nak Raya,” the mom replied. “tu lah orang kita, nak sambut Raya beriya-iya, sepatutnya nak sambut bulan puasa la start seronok – nak buat ibadat.” Which got me and hubby thinking..maybe we shud go look for our light set in the storeroom and go pasang them soon too..!

So, anyway, in anticipation of Ramadhan, I felt it’s nice to share one of those “reminder” pieces, you know. Hopefully, we will gain more out of this year’s ramadhan..and develop more than just hunger and other temporary deprivation lah kan..Personally, I hope I can learn to be kinder, more so to my kids, and be able to instill in me higher degree of tolerance; to certain situations and certain people that I cross paths with. Of course my other wish is for hubby dearest to kick the habit, once and for all..Wishful thinking?? Well….surely there is no harm in wishing. And hoping…Who knows, one of those nights in this blessed month, the skies open up and God answers my prayers..betul tak? Kan ke berdoa bulan puasa ni mustajab..Besides, if there is one thing I’ve learned, is that we should never underestimate the power of doa..

To Nad – hang in there ok. You’re in our thoughts, more so this month and frankly, when at bonda’s dining table, I feel you right there with us, in spirit - always….!! Love ya sis…

A good Ramadhan Al Mubarak to all…


ok, just to share ;

Penghayatan Ramadhan

Matlamat berpuasa

- Puasa - lapar itu bukan matlamat. Jika ibadah puasa tidak dihayati sepenuhnya, kita keluar dari bulan puasa, kosong.

- Syaitan “di ikat” pada bulan ramdhan tu satu konsep sebenarnya. Kita diberi panduan bagaimana melawan nafsu dan godaan syaitan.

- Terlalu banyak peluang dalam bulan Ramadhan untuk Allah ampunkan dosa kita. Rugi tak memanfaatkan bulan Ramadhan.


Bersahur
- Syaitan influence kita supaya sahur awal. Besar pahala melewatkan sahur sebenarnya

Berbuka
- Kita berpuasa kena hayati kelaparan - bukan sebagai matlamat tapi pembentukan rohani - janganlah banyak makan ketika berbuka. Makruh terlalu kenyang.

Solat di masjid
- Solat jemaah di masjid dilihat dalam keadaan sempurna sebab Tuhan ambil overall, dari segi kyushuk, bila saat ini kita khusyuk, saat lain org lain pula khusyuk, jadi bila solat itu diangkat, ia dianggap sempurna.

Beribadah dalam Ramadhan

- Ssetiap malam Ramadhan Tuhan lepaskan 1000 penghuni neraka. Jadi kita mesti menggamit panggilan Tuhan - bayangkan setiap malam ada sebanyak 1000 free tickets!


- Nabi ajar dlm bulan puasa mintak 3 perkata semasa doa -
i. Agar amalan diterima
ii. Bebaskan dari neraka
iii. Ampunkan dosa

- Jika seorang Muslim itu, berdoa pun tidak dalam bulan ramadhan - teruk sangat lah tu.. tanda kita takabur pada Tuhan

Niat puasa

- Dengan bangun unuk makan sahur sudah cukup untuk ditakrif sebagai niat puasa.

- Walaupun begitu, Ustaz tak berapa cenderung ke arah satu kali niat untuk puasa sebulan. Lebih lagi wanita, sebab ada masa putus puasa.

Solat tarawikh

Tiada bilangan tarawikh yang bidaah, semua ok. Cuma elok bila bacaan panjang, dibuat rakaat sikit, dan bila bacaan pendek, rakaat banyak.


Lailatul qadar
- Amalan minimum untuk ibadah lailatul qadar, kena ada 3 perkara beriku :-

I. Isyak berjemaah
Ii. Tarawikh
Iii. Subuh berjemaah

- Bila buat kesemua yang tiga perkara ini, sudah dikira melakukan amalan lailatul qadar bukan hanya kena qiamulail baru dianggap ibadat lailatul qadar

- Diingatkan janganlah keluar 10 malam terakhir. Orang kita last 10 nites tu lah nak beli baju raya lah, nak jalan tengok lampu lah, kena buat kuih lah dan bermacam alasan lain untuk tidak solat tarawikh

. Kita perlu tangisi kekesalan kita pada Tuhan.

- Bangun malam tak semestinya pukul 12 tengah malam. Memadai bangun awal sebelum sahur


And finally,

Ciri orang yang munafik dlm bulan ramadhan
1. Sahur awal
2. Tidur lepas subuh
3. Tunjuk letih
4. Lambat sembahyang
5. Makan banyak
6. Tidur banyak waktu malam.

Arief oh Arief

Ok, in case you’re wondering what’s been happening since my 12 year old dropped that bombshell last week, here’s the latest.

With no shame whatsoever, I am happy to say that he has changed his mind..! yippee…!! Well, for now – but I sure hope it stays that way. Why the change of heart you ask? Well, it started quite simply when he went to school with all relevant documents photocopied except for his father’s salary slip. (Incidently, when we went to the neighborhood photocopy place that nite, we met at least 3 or 4 other fellow Year 6 boys who were there with the exact same intention he had..!). Daddy dearest makes a decent living but no salary slip – so I photocopied mine. Apparently, Arief’s teacher wanted father’s salary slip…and from that point on, I slowly talked to him.

His dad had no problems agreeing with me, so finally we managed to talk him out of the idea…yeay, mission accomplished..! Surprisingly, it wasn’t too hard to get him to buy our logic. Initially he did not understand the fuss but later he seemed contented with all that we had to say. So for now, he’s staying…

I hope he can understand our rationale...and also the fact that the herd mentality just won’t do –deciding to go largely because all his friends seem eager to do so. With him, even under our noses he can be quite a challenge. Just yesterday I saw him with his gameboy which I had hid months before his exams. Lo and behold, he was merrily playing with it yesterday afternoon…much to my amusement. When asked, his initial response was, “Arief terjumpa.” Yeah, right…..! I had it tucked away, way inside one of my little cabinets. Finally, he sheepishly admitted, “Ha ah, Arief cari..” Hello, you could have asked me first if you can have it back now that the exams are over, or at the very least, ask where I kept it..! You see, I am willing to bet he had known all along where I stored his gameboy…!!

So, yup, he is definitely staying…For the moment, at best it’s a toss between DJ and DU…ok, where shall it be…follow Adam, that nice kid but little Romeo in the making to DJ or the seemingly more responsible Clarence to DU….?? Btw, IJ is moving elsewhere so I guess no more cute stories of him asking girls to go steady….

You want to what..???

This is yet another blog entry that revolves around my recently turned 12 year old – Arief. Today was the final day of his UPSR exams and from what I observed he seemed well prepared for these last 2 papers. From the last minute revision that we did the whole of yesterday he did appear confident for these papers. I hope he will at least be able to ace these 2.

Anyway, today was hubby's turn to pick him up after the exams. My husband looked for Arief and later found him in a class where they were having a taklimat – for those who would like to go boarding school..! To go where..??? Now, that was something we have never really considered for Arief. Sure our oldest stays at an ‘asrama’ . Well, granted, his is a mere 15 mins away from where we live but it’s a full residential school nonetheless. And I admit, when Shaf wanted to go, (all this thanks to my dear grilfren who was the catalyst in suggesting I send my kids away…aargh..) I was less than thrilled. Maybe devastated is more apt to describe how I felt. As it turned out, Shaf hated it and things became unbearable those first few months. But by then even I was convinced he should stay and that the school will do him a lot more good than harm.

As for Arief, he never really indicated a desire to leave and certainly we’ve always thought he is better suited staying home and going to a nearby school. He tends to be the playful type and I’ve always thought I need to keep a close eye on him. And if I may be totally honest, my relationship with him before my firstborn left home was not the greatest. To quote my dear sister – among her two cents when I was feeling down about my firstborn leaving – “If Shaf duduk asrama, it’ll do you a lot of good to bond with Arief sis”, she said. She could not have been farther away from the truth. And now, just as I’m beginning to truly enjoy Arief’s company without being in the shadow of big brother, he wants to leave..???

I spoke to him over the phone today and asked for reasons of why he attended the taklimat. His answer simple . “ Saja. Ramai orang angkat tangan so Arief pun angkat la’. And when I pressed some more if he really wants to go, to my horror, he gave a firm yes..! And then he added, “Arief nak pergi yang balik berapa bulan sekali punye..” Goodness, my heart skipped a beat at that point. Was he just teasing me, I honestly haven’t got a clue.

Of course, everything depends on how he fares in the exams. And as always I pray that he does well. But now I have mixed feelings. I always say with or without him at home makes little difference because he’s not ‘loud’ like his big brother..but the fact remains, it just won’t be the same. And what will things be like for Haqim not having anyone at home besides the maid..?? What if Arief wants to leave because I am constantly breathing down his neck..? What if he’s fed-up of me being angry at him for not being serious with his school work..? What if he has a typical middle child syndrome and thinks I don’t love him as much as his 2 brothers.. ?

Ok, ok, maybe I’m getting just a tad carried away..and hubby will say I am being emotional…but hello…this is news to me…I just never thought he would even want to stay at a boarding school.. I just figured he lacks that mental discipline essential to survive in that kind of routine and rigid environment. Could I have thought wrong..?

You know that feeling when you have no idea what hit you, leaving you totally speechless.. ? That pretty much sums up how I’m feeling. Later he told me, “mama, rilex lah, lambat lagi..” That’s where you’re wrong dear, it always just seems “lambat lagi” , but before you know it, things you never expect, circumstances that you dread, and situations that previously seemed to merely loom across the horizon is right smack in front of you.

At that point, reality hits and then your life gets messed up for awhile…

will you be mine

Arief, my recently turned 12 year old sure has some very interesting friends. I believe I have met all of his close buddies but don’t usually get a chance to interact much with them. Well, last Friday, we had a good glimpse of their colorful camaraderie..

Ed, a friend of this 12 year old of mine, (who happens to be a real looker, btw) came home with Arief after school. Reason being, later that evening they were scheduled to go for a “solat hajat” at a nearby mosque in anticipation of their exams which begins today. Another friend IJ, (who comes across as also good looking but the quiet type) had asked if he may be picked up on the way to the masjid. So off they went, with Arief’s dad playing chauffeur.

In the car, on the way to IJ’s house, my dear husband had a blast…Ed, who is known to be very bubbly and because of his boyish good looks is even admired by a 13 year old (girl) friend of my other son, just couldn’t stop chatting. According to Arief, Ed "ni memang selalu goda budak pompuan" ..my God..I din't even know my son uses the word goda, ok...! Anyway, Ed was on a roll, and was obviously in the mood for a tell-all session – among others, he told Arief’s dad of IJ’s encounters with the opposite sex..and boy was it hilarious…!

According to Ed, so besotted was IJ with one 11 year old girl at school, (Ed says he used to thinks she’s pretty but up close she really isn’t so hot..! ha ha..) that he literally begged her to be his girl. This is all hearsay lah but according to Ed this conversation really took place..(Ed and Arief were there – kami intai diorang - so they admitted)

IJ : Shak, will you please, please be my girlfriend..? (hands clasped together begging) Ed added for drama – dia buat macam nak kahwin uncle, betul...!!!

Shak : emmmm…ok

IJ : How many percent awak suka saya?

Shak : err. 90%

IJ: How many percent awak suka Ed..??

Shak : 100%

And so, Shak became IJ’s girl but he sure was pissed at Ed for still coming out the winner. Well, according to Arief, Shak wasn’t IJ’s girl for very long, he seems to be one of those who likes to have his flavours of the week. So one day it’s Shak, another day, another girl..

Of course, Ed then told my husband, “uncle, nanti bila kita dah ambik IJ, uncle jangan cakap apa-apa ok..”

Arief’s dad : "Arief ada girlfriend tak? "

Ed : "Ada, Zaimah..tapi dulu, now dia tak suka dah..”

And so that was how we were enlightened on a facet of their lives…

Pain makes us brave

My thoughts are with you today. And right now I suppose 'access denied' just ain't workin' no more huh..Dear, I know this must be tough, especially the coming days and more so the coming weeks. But as you cross this new obstacle in your journey, try to just focus on the good times that you guys had..ok. And as always, just have faith and give yourself to Him.

You know, among my fondest memories of Sr Enda – that wonder woman whom a bunch of us girls used to call Principal for many, many years, is of her walking up to this chalkboard along the corridors of Assunta and writing motivational quotes on a daily basis. And one that never left me was that simple cliché “Man disposes, God disposes” So girl, it is obvious that He had other plans for you. And over the years some words of wisdom that I try to use as a mantra when the going gets tough is this – Dia tak akan uji kita di luar kemampuan kita. As hard as this is, you know you will make it through alrite.

So, as you hug them tight tonight, cry away if you have too but try to remain brave despite that pain because deep in you, you know they will be just fine..and God willing so will you.

I know, seberat mana pun yang I rasa over here, jauh lebih berat it is for you, but you're strong and trust me, this too shall pass. Besides, this gives you the perfect excuse to totally immerse yourself in work, all that wonderful deadlines of those horrendous academic obligations and before you know it - time for you to fly home.

In the meantime, when the gramps leave, go get rid of that extra mattress and if you have the slightest bit of free time, maybe you can go do what you do well, bake. After all, your new roomie deserves to get to know that side of you right.? In a few months you can go color your hair some more if you like, (can, I can fedex the color you want….promise…what do you fancy ..Anita Sarawak platinum??)

And yes, babe - you have my word, no smiley Raya pictures..!!

Que Sera Sera - ok...

Ok here’s the thing… in truth Arief is really an intelligent kid. He is very playful, no doubt, and can be very ‘blur’ sometimes but he’s not too bad, if only he gives himself half the chance and believes in himself a little more. And if only I make more effort to see him in a fresh perspective every now and then.

Sure, he may be no Einstein but he’s alright. He’s certainly not the most diligent kid around and frankly he could do with a whole lot of self motivation but let’s just put it this way. Arief can be a parenting challenge. But with him, there is no need to second guess his moves, what you see is what you get. And that is what makes him different - he is by far the most genuine kid I know.

I used to feel totally exasperated with him, in particular with issues that revolve around his academics. Arief has this carefree attitude, nothing bothers him much and the only thing that really gets to him is when you take away his privilege of watching football or playing football at the padang..that’s about it. Oh, and his brothers..they can get under his skin..I guess him being the middle child may have something to do with that.

Arief was born a mere 16 months after my oldest. Those who know our little family will generally know Shafique, my first born as the bright, expressive child while Arief is almost always the quiet one. Mischievous though he may be, he does not talk much. For almost 7 years he was the youngest child and then came our precious angel. Haqim is a pure gem, but only to those who bother to get to know him. He is very special because of a lot of reasons and every single day that I spend with him makes me thank God for blessing us with his presence.

Getting back to my Arief – he's my flavour of the month, he turns 12 tomorrow- hard to believe, yes.. and right now he is also my ultimate source of panic attack. Why? Because dear Arief is scheduled to sit for his first national exams in 3 days and he is still as cool as a cucumber..! Maybe because that green vegetable happens to be his favourite food on earth.. yes, no kidding, that’s my son..he loves cucumber, of all things..!!

Right now he really does not seem to be the least worried that his exams is around the corner. Around the corner? Good Lord, it's this coming Monday for goodness sake, it is now Friday...!!! Sure, he's spending less time in front of the tv but there really isn't time to do much anymore..!

Visualize this: -

Me: “Arief, how did you do?”.

Arief: “ok”

Me: “Arief, did you manage to answer the questions?”

Arief “ok”

Me: “Arief, are you prepared for your exams?”

Arief: “ok”

And that is no exaggeration. He is definitely my “Mat OK”.. Everything is a-ok to him..

I have now resigned to the fact that Arief may just be a late bloomer. In fact, I say with conviction that Arief may well go on to succeed in life because although academics may not exactly be his forte, he is a smart kid. And he is one of those “nice guy” types, the kinda kid that everyone wants to be friends with. Trust me, I was surprised to know how popular he is with his friends at school. But with the exams that begin Monday, I am still anxious. All I want is for him to do the best that he can cos' I would hate to see him feeling sorry for himself if he ends up not doing well, and yes, not doing as well as his older brother. Most of his young life seems to be about playing second fiddle and I want him to be able to make it through this time. But then again, maybe national exams is just too hyped up and clearly over-rated huh…??

Oh well, que sera sera..I just pray he has the confidence in himself and will be able to focus on his papers. I reckon if he concentrates fully and understands what the questions ask of him, he won’t do all that bad, God willing.

In the meantime, I'm still having a panic attack. Hey, don’t laugh…Wait till one of your brood turns out saying ok to every question thrown his or her way, then you’ll know what I mean…ok…??!!

Mad Black Woman

I saw this movie a few days ago – Diary of a Mad Black Woman..and boy was it good.. The gist of it, a woman who left – literally – her family when she married this hotshot attorney, suddenly finds herself thrown out of her home after 18 years of marriage. That classic storyline of “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” is basically the premise of the entire movie. It had a dark humor to it, with a maniac grandma (and a chainsaw to boot). Helen, the main character was the loving and faithful wife who stood by her man over the years only to be told straight to her face that he was leaving her for a younger woman. Oh and he has 2 kids with this mistress of his by the way. She had everything money could possibly buy but had to virtually crawl back to her family and learn to pick up the pieces after being dumped by her husband. Hello, she came home to see a U-Haul truck carting all her stuff away..!

As with any good movie, tragedy befalls the husband and his new syt (sweet young thing) took the off with the kids..! And who should return to take care of the man..yea, the wife – but of course. By then she had already moved on with her life, had gotten over the bitterness and had found a new love..who was eager to marry her. The woman obviously had issues. She left Orlando, who is her new found love interest and disappeared to go nurse her wheelchair bound ex. But as you can expect, she gave him hell…oh yes she did..! The thing is, she seemed very the religious kind, but then again she was, after all, MAD at him so she took every opportunity to make the man pay for what he did to her. It’s all about closure and she gave him good. Revenge sure is sweet….ha ha…!

I shamefully admit I watched this while cruising along the East Coast highway but hey, I kept my eyes on the road..no worries. It was so good, to see her get back at the husband, there I was cheering her on, (yea, yea, hands on the wheels, honest) much to the amusement of my 13 year old seated next to me. Where was hubby? Oh, he was peacefully asleep at the back seat, cuddling the precious angel. He had already seen it and was the one who suggested it to me.

Moral of the story – if a woman is faced with a brutal, heartless husband who has no sense of appreciation whatsoever, NEVER let the man get off so easy and if opportunity knocks, it can't hurt to hit him below the belt..well, am sure it'll hurt him-lah, but at that point who really cares right.. Jokes aside, seriously though, one should always find closure, in every crisis. And whatever else that come in between, always take ‘em with a pinch of salt. The woman in the movie had been married 18 years, imagine that, while the now famous Datuk K was together with his ex for 2 decades..so what does that tell you? Always know what your relationship needs..and try as much as you can to work out an amicable solution to every problem..lest your discontentment will slowly eat you up inside. And that would be the beginning of the end.

Ok, I am far from being Ms know-it-all and my years and years of married life certainly doesn’t automatically qualify me as a marriage counselor but I know enough to say always try to accept your partner – seadanya. And whatever imperfections there are, handle them with care and much love..Meanwhile, silly secret jokes, funny shared lingo that only the two of you understand and flirty sms’s are among the more “trivial” but crucial elements to help inject some spice and maintain a happy marriage. I am no Dr Ruth but hey, what goes on between the sheets, (or on top of it or wherever you may fancy lah I guess..) are important too..yes, yes, even after ber-belas tahun – of course !

Now, just a short question for SI, who’s going to the airport?

Pieces of Wisdom

I know I sometimes grumble but I also know for a fact that life is sweet..Somebody very special sent me some pieces of wisdom, and together with a few of my own thoughts, I came up with this.

renung-renung kan lah..


1. Jangan mengharap, especially from people closest to us because when we expect something in return, we will be easily frustrated when nothing comes our way.

2. Always try to avoid situations that can bring about anger towards the people closest to us because that anger will create a wall that will inevitably block our true feelings of love that exists deep within. ..menjadi pendinding kepada perasaan kasih sayang yang sememangnya ada.

3. Never make a habit of sweeping things under the carpet. When the “work” of addressing issues or carrying out tasks need to be done, try not let it be a burden because when it becomes burdensome it crease displeasure and stress. The thing to remember is when it starts feeling like a burden, stop before the negativity transmits over.

4. A dear ole friend used to say that between a husband and wife, likewise amongst family members, it is never appropriate to practice the concept of ‘give and take’. That should solely be reserved for business deals. With loved ones, whatever we get in return is a bonus when we do not start out expecting.

5. If our loved ones, kids included, do not listen, continue reminding as gently as we possibly can, mengikut kemampuan kita masing-masing. Let them fail, if they need to. But we must learn not to get overly upset if they do. And be there to help them pick up the pieces.

6. With our children, more often than not, we “let go” maybe because we feel we are the parents, we know more, etc etc. Kids are regular human beings with feelings too. People say we have to be careful with our maids because we don’t want them running away - with our children. Well, more so with our own kids, surely we must always exercise care and sensitivity when addressing our own brood.

7. There was once a boy who due to lack of love and attention rebelled and turned to drugs and became suicidal. Many years later this boy lived, and told of how his grandmother’s tough love saved his life. No matter how bad he got, the grandmother never once gave up on him. Somebody termed things like this as ‘management with the heart’.

8. If we are always angry, those vibes will rub off the people around us. Even if there is love, it will be clouded by that constant anger. Instead, if there is always love and affection, and grouses are not blown out of proportion, whenever there are instances of anger, those vibes will not rub off as hard.

9. Children are essentially a "work in progress". They are still learning the act of self control. In some cases, kids somehow inherit less of the positive virtues from parents but tend to pick up the not so good qualities instead. They are young and need to know how to manage their own feelings and sometimes turmoil within them. It isn’t exactly their fault that they got into all that "spilt gravy on rice" issues. They did not decide the gene pool they came from.

10. At the end of the day, when we view things as difficult, they will always be difficult. So always be prepared that occasionally yes, things will not be easy. That way it’s easier to deal with disappointments and we do not get disillusioned. Because finally, there is that certainty, - life has it’s tough moments.


Finally, I have this to say..and you know it's meant for you..

sesungguhnya....
..kasih sayang itu cukup manis bila ia datang tanpa diduga
..perasaan cinta itu terlalu indah bila ia menyapa tanpa bicara...

Crazy Woman

Ok, it’s confirmed, I am not taking home the best parent award this year. Maybe not even next year..shucks…! And how does that make me feel..? I donno, I wasn’t expecting the award anyway but I'm sure it would be nice to be in the running though..

There I go, rambling again.. Ok, here’s the thing, being a parent used to be much easier, much more enjoyable, it was fun and nourished my soul a whole lot. Now the boys are getting bigger and I've been a parent for what a good 13 years plus, it should get easier right..? Wrong, it gets tougher. A lot tougher.

The bigger setback is this - things seem to be getting more and more like a breeze for my other half. Him, of all people…I mean, no offence here SI. I know he is a pretty nice guy yadayadayada, but I never thought he would find this manageable.. Hello… wasn’t it moi who religiously pored over all those parenting books and magazines?! Call me delusional, but I thought I had it all worked out, I thought I was going to be this fantastic parent, who would know how to tackle every parenting issue with ease.. What was I thinking…! This ride is gettin’ a tad bumpy now.. my other limb, he laughs a little when I get edgy.. take it easy dear, he says.. And do I appreciate his kind words? Yea, of course I do but frankly, oh God no…I must remind myself at this juncture that I am writing not in my pink Strawberry Shortcake diary with a lock outside but on this stupid blog – aah, what the heck.. deep down inside I guess I feel a wee bit threatened.. Ok, ok, I admit, I shall shamelessly admit, call me a bad parent, maybe I let my egotistical side get in the way.. Aargh….admitting warts and faults like this is awful, painful and gives you a downright sh***y feeling.

This is obviously a spillover of my previous entry, you know about that 13 yr old brat who lives under the same roof I call home.. Oh, actually, he happens to be my son.. can a mother call her son a brat..? Or will that qualify me as the worst mother in the history of motherhood..? Ok, I will try to be a bit more civil about it, my son, my dearest firstborn, the one I love so very much, he drives me up the wall……and I can’t get through to him. And worse, SI thinks I am not trying hard enough, or I'm not listening and I make life difficult for the boys.. Double aaarghh…..

Ok, I’m going to take a deep breath now…,breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…..and say bismillah.. aaah, that from my precious lil angel, he always says that, when we are angry we must say bismillah…ok, sweetie, mummy will say bismillah, right now..

Seriously, it’s not like I consciously make a decision to be this terrible mother who enjoys sessions of ranting like a crazy woman, Well, who does right..Sometimes I just talk and talk and then nag a lil maybe..then when I get tired, and all worked up, I get upset and then the crazy woman drops by for a visit…It is not me, I swear, maybe my evil twin..Trust me, I am really nice…and not the least bit crazy. Honest.

Ok la, enough rambling. I accept the facts.
Fact 1 - The kids are growing up and they are developing their own personalities
Fact 2 – I should learn to be their friends and not breathe fire each time they get on my nerves. Fact 3 – It doesn’t hurt to laugh more like them, laughing is good facial exercise.
Fact 4 – I am not taking home the best parent award for the next couple of years…

btw….does anyone know how I can get rid of this crazy woman…I think I see her peeping thru that door…

Being 13

ok, I admit, I can't quite remember what it felt like being 13. What I do recall though is that gawky stage where you're neither here nor there. When you're often misunderstood and yet you feel you know what you want. What I do remember is being at an age where I had a good time being in the big girls' school..seeing the bigger girls around me..and learning how to act like a teenage girl, fooling around with my mum's blusher and lipstick..

The thing is, I don't have any girls. I have a son, in fact 3 sons..and my firstborn - he's 13. And boy, am I feeling quite stressed dealing with that..and to think that he's only on the brink of being a teenager! What awaits me..Good Lord...

Anyway, he goes to a residential school which means most days he ain't home. I used to think I could never be apart from him, just the thought of him not staying home with us used to bring tears to my eyes. The day I got to know his UPSR results brought much joy but also anxiety in me because I knew then, he would be leaving home soon, that was what he wanted. When we found out he was accepted into this present school brought about mixed emotions in me. And those first few weeks...aaah, such pain. I missed him, so much and when I came home from work and his boisterous self wasn't there to greet me, it was terrible. And to know how bad things were for him during that adjustment period gave me so much pain.

Now, it's been more than 7 months and this firstborn of mine, has pretty much adjusted to life away from home. He is slowly learning what it means to be independant. But this son of mine - perhaps it has to do with being 13, he stresses me out..simply put.

It's the things he sometimes says, and the way he doesn't listen...he makes me wonder if I am the one who does not know how to reach out. Maybe I don't know what it takes to be a mother of a teenage son. We used to fight a lot before he left but these days he irks me in different ways, I can't quite put my finger on it. The father though, he's amused at how we argue,(men...) and step on each other's toes. But my girlfriends always remind me to be his friend.(geez, I never recalled my mom ever being my friend...)..hmmm, tough - but my guess is that makes for some good advice.

I just wish there's some kind of manual you know (don't we all...sigh), The Idiot's Guide on how to be chummy with your 13 year old son" that I can buy at MPH or something you know..

Well, it is a learning process, every single day. As a mother, my hope is that he grows up to be all that he can be. My deepest wish is that someday he will make me proud, as much as I hope he can be proud of me. Which brings to mind these lyrics that hopefully he can sing to me someday...err, that ain'twishful thinking.., is it...???

you raise me up
so I can stand on mountain
you raise me up
to walk on stormy sea
I am strong
when I am on your shoulders
you raise me up
to more than I can be

Merdeka, Merdeka, Merdeka

It's Merdeka month now. I guess I could use more patriotism in me but I try to get in the mood come every merdeka month. And although there aren't many cars in town with flags perched some place, ours will have one very soon.

You see, I have a 5 year old who is into the National Anthem. Well, since just a week ago lah. Just this week, he learned to sing Negaraku at school and now he sings it with gusto, all memorised. Even as this time of writing, there he is standing straight, singing his heart out..! Now, I shamefully admit, up to this point we never taught him the National Anthem. Like most kids his age he is into anything Playhouse Disney Channel offers, of course some are more his favourites than others. He recites the doa makan very well and gives a decent Al Fatihah but the National Anthem,...well, maybe I failed there. Never thought of instilling national pride in him before. The saving grace though, thanks to his dad's years at MARA, that enthusiasm has rubbed of the kids and so our boys have some sense of nationlism la, not as bad as me.

So last year on the 31st of August, off we went in the wee hours of the morning to Putrajaya, (this is where my dear sister would start to groan..) to watch the National Parade along that Palace of Justice building..( hey, what is the name of that road again?). And lo and behold, it was FUN! We actually had lotsa fun and never before have I sang the National Anthem with as much pride. It was quite unbelievable..! No, really.....!

So back to my 5 year old, he asked us yesterday, "can you get me the Negaraku song from the computer?" So, since his brother is back home for the school holidays and would love an excuse to get into the net and look for songs, we now have the National Anthem blasting from the speakers, complete with orchestra ok...! Cool...!!

Now, how many of you actually taught your kids our National Anthem...come one 'fess up..! See what I mean, so go download it - now...! Meanwhile, I have to get back to my 5 year old.

Son, come on, let's sing, and get daddy here too ok....Negaraku, tanah tumpahnya darahku.....

love you, love you not

Today a dear friend rang me up. We had the usual catching up with one another kinda conversation. Later we got to talking about a case of wife abuse. Well, she calls it that, I prefer to use the term "domestic violence".

We were pondering over why some women, despite the obvious torment - mental and emotional, not to mention the physical aspect, choose to stay on. Why don't these women simply walk out, dear F was screaming. Why can't they at least do something about it, apart from crying of course. That dear ole friend of mine, she can be brutal, and vocal, so she lamented, "why can't they just leave, otherwise stop whining". I can see where she's coming from, one can only take so much sad domestic stories, if the person concerned does nothing, pretty soon pity does not come easy anymore.

However, I am not as harsh, at least I would like to think so. I repeatedly maintained maybe it's not as simple as that. Hey, it takes a lot of guts to walk out of a relationship, a marriage, especially when there are kids involved. People stay on due to a variety of reasons ; children, financial stability, family, lots of things.

Who am I to judge why people choose to stay in a troubled relationship. I have been married 17 years and frankly although never a victim of domestic violence ever before, admittedly I have had more than my share of tumultous history. There were times when things were more critical than usual and honestly there were days when I wanted out. In my heart I screamed to leave, to walk away and just nurse the pain. I rebelled that it was all too much, so much more than I had bargained for and I did not deserve any of it. There were days when I told myself, "this is it, I'm walking out of here." Obviously, I didn't. Why? Frankly, because I just did not have the guts, and because I was a young mother with two small children. And I had my pride..

I did not think I could carry on, I doubted my ability to hold myslef together, even if it was for the sake of the children. And so I persevered. And worked at saving what I had and prayed. Hard. Thank God, I made it through. I made it through the rain as B.Manilow sang.. What would have happened if I had indeed walked out? Only God knows. Perhaps if I was a victim of domestic violence I might have run, far far away. Or perhaps I would have stayed. Who knows.

In any case, I now thank God everday for the blessings in my life. Those dark days remain a part of my history that made me and my other limb better individuals in our lives..and in our marriage. As husband and wife we have long uncovered the whys and the whats and now we have moved on. Is staying on always a better option? Maybe not.

However, today I am blessed with a husband who truly loves me, appreciates me and cares for me, always. I have 3 beautiful children who are my angels. Do we still fight? Yes, occasionally, but these days we just argue and things hardly get out of hand and we never go to the danger zone no more. Truly, life has never been better.

Thank God I did not have that courage to pick up and leave.

GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS

My girlfriends and I go way back. No, make that waaay, waay back. We have seen each other through our worst moments, and been there for each other during every important milestone imaginable. From the time we shared giddy, giggly moments during our younger days and then we shared intimate details of what have you..We have held each other's hands during difficult moments and many a time we have cried with each other for a variety of reasons. We have been together for every relationship, every wedding, every childbirth. Truly the friendship that we have built over the years is precious, a blessing indeed.


And now as we grow older, we seem to be faced with some very different difficult times. Although one of us has been through that pain of losing a parent, the rest of us girls up to this point have not walked down that heart wrenching path. But now we seem to find ourselves with some very testing times of our lives. As one of us faces the sudden illness of a parent, another is handling the situation of a sister who has been ill for awhile. As close as we are to one another, I know nothing can quite ease that pain right now. So, we try to do what we do best..we cheer one another on, through phone calls, e-mails, and we try to meet every so often.

Oh we girls have a blast when we meet..! We would be amongst the first to arrive for the buffet and the last ones there whilst the staffs begin to clear the rest of the tables. Often, a waiter would come up to us to remind us that the buffet's closing, do we need anything else, they ask us..Of no, we reply, we're fine, just fine. And then we continue chatting, and laugh our heads off..! Oh we do that all the time, laugh that is.

Yes, like when we share details of one truly girly affair we did together, well, 2 of us at least..whaddayaknow, we went for our pap smear together..! yes, yes, we went into the OB's clinic together-gether...Hey, nothing to hide mah...of course we respected each other's privacy and were discreet when we had to be, but hey, at 38 it's amazing we still found it amusing to learn how to do MBE ...!! (oh, that wud mean monthly breast exams...he he)

Our last rendezvous though did not make quorum. But the three of us had fun anyway. The usual girl talk, exchanging IL issues, the food..(aaah...lovely, lovely mushrooms...), the shopping, (as exhausting as it was, getting that size 4 for my dear sister was kinda fun wasnt it..) and of course that bit about getting SAB to buy us lipsticks from a Temerloh pharmacy, they were all moments refreshing to the soul.

Girls, my thoughts are with each one of you today. To FSL, hard as it may be, try to be brave girl, and have faith alright. To R, my doa is for KJ to make it through. The banker gal, we missed you and demand that treat next time around. And to you Z, as you face the prospect of being away from L and the kids, always remember that life can be more complicated and a lot bitter so as always we try to count our blessings.

And as always, we pray for one another..

Where am I going....

I used to love that song "..do you know where you're going to, do you like the things that life is showing you, where are you going to, do you know.."

Well, you know what, most days, I haven't got a clue! I have no inkling where I am going with this supposedly cathartic exercise. I certainly do not know where this journal is taking me..For the most part, I guess I will just take things a day at a time. Like writing this journal - Now, all these years I have always thought keeping a diary or writing journals was something you do to release your innermost thoughts - to the diary! Not to be "published" and then invite others to read them. I would die if any of my diaries from my teenage years were read by someone else other than me..! I mean, I just don't get it..

The funny thing is after I was done with my first entry yesterday, I "shared" with a couple of people and I have this strange feeling I will be doing the same today! And I still don't get it! Maybe it's all about the journey each of us is taking. After all, as varied as our lives may be, there are always some common elements: love, hope, fears, excitement, anger. And no matter how miserable we sometimes feel,we all know that misery loves company.

Or..is it possible that deep down, we all have a side that yearns for our 5 seconds to fame..?

Journal Entry Revisited

So, whaddayaknow...I have officially re-started what was once a daily routine. Journal entry re-visited.. And where do I begin..? God knows..Let's just say making this few lines is enough progress and we shall not be over ambitious shall we...

Funny though, journal entry years ago were lines of words in either a complimentary diary from one of the many corporate companies or at most it would be paragraphs of my teenage emotions written onto pages of thick school notebooks, nicely wrapped in colored paper though, no less..

So, what do I write about now..? Almost 2 decades and 3 kids later, how do I begin this so-called journal, or blogs is that what they call it? Perhaps, for now, I can rest easy knowing that I don't need to feel competitive because my sister-in-law wins hands down in keeping her own bright cheery online journals, and apparently a sister keeps one of her own with stories just as amusing I am sure. I must thank her though, she was persistant in goading to start. "Go ahead sis, I'm sure you have loads to share", she said. A girlfriend pushed further, "you really should, you know, it is soo cathartic and you will feel so good", she kept saying. Honestly, I must say thank you for that push, but what do I do now..? As at this point, I feel content to merely re-vist the idea, re-connect with the concept. Moi feels excited about this journal entry thingy though..Good Lord, it has been what? 20 years almost..??

Aahh..but that's life isn't it, sometimes you go one full circle and get back to where you once were..