Being 13

ok, I admit, I can't quite remember what it felt like being 13. What I do recall though is that gawky stage where you're neither here nor there. When you're often misunderstood and yet you feel you know what you want. What I do remember is being at an age where I had a good time being in the big girls' school..seeing the bigger girls around me..and learning how to act like a teenage girl, fooling around with my mum's blusher and lipstick..

The thing is, I don't have any girls. I have a son, in fact 3 sons..and my firstborn - he's 13. And boy, am I feeling quite stressed dealing with that..and to think that he's only on the brink of being a teenager! What awaits me..Good Lord...

Anyway, he goes to a residential school which means most days he ain't home. I used to think I could never be apart from him, just the thought of him not staying home with us used to bring tears to my eyes. The day I got to know his UPSR results brought much joy but also anxiety in me because I knew then, he would be leaving home soon, that was what he wanted. When we found out he was accepted into this present school brought about mixed emotions in me. And those first few weeks...aaah, such pain. I missed him, so much and when I came home from work and his boisterous self wasn't there to greet me, it was terrible. And to know how bad things were for him during that adjustment period gave me so much pain.

Now, it's been more than 7 months and this firstborn of mine, has pretty much adjusted to life away from home. He is slowly learning what it means to be independant. But this son of mine - perhaps it has to do with being 13, he stresses me out..simply put.

It's the things he sometimes says, and the way he doesn't listen...he makes me wonder if I am the one who does not know how to reach out. Maybe I don't know what it takes to be a mother of a teenage son. We used to fight a lot before he left but these days he irks me in different ways, I can't quite put my finger on it. The father though, he's amused at how we argue,(men...) and step on each other's toes. But my girlfriends always remind me to be his friend.(geez, I never recalled my mom ever being my friend...)..hmmm, tough - but my guess is that makes for some good advice.

I just wish there's some kind of manual you know (don't we all...sigh), The Idiot's Guide on how to be chummy with your 13 year old son" that I can buy at MPH or something you know..

Well, it is a learning process, every single day. As a mother, my hope is that he grows up to be all that he can be. My deepest wish is that someday he will make me proud, as much as I hope he can be proud of me. Which brings to mind these lyrics that hopefully he can sing to me someday...err, that ain'twishful thinking.., is it...???

you raise me up
so I can stand on mountain
you raise me up
to walk on stormy sea
I am strong
when I am on your shoulders
you raise me up
to more than I can be