Just reminiscing...

How I’ve missed writing in here..there is no excuse for not getting into my blog and writing. Fact is, I never seem to have enough hours in a day. And truthfully, when FB began to catch my attention, the little extra time I had went into re-establishing old friendships.

It’s almost the end of yet another year and what a year it’s been. Let’s not even go anywhere near what the country went through in early 2008…! On the home front some changes took place too, including one which I did write about, the runaway maid. For those who may not know, we are still maidless and life is still bliss…alhamdulillah. Hubby and I now enjoy some quality alone time whenever the kids stay at their gramps and although the house is not spick and span 24/7, it’s fine. We’ve racked up laundry bills but hey it’s a trade off from the savings of the water and electricity bill at home I suppose.

On the 14th of this month, hubby and me celebrated the day we first met, some 23 years ago. He surprised me with a pretty bouquet of 3 red roses that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere on the car seat… I gave out a whoop of delight when I opened the car door..hmm, yea, 1985 was ages ago…and with the passing of time, fine lines have appeared here and there..complimented by expanding hips and waistline, but our love for one another has grown over the years and the spark is still real - passionate and sweet. Frankly I would put it differently but seeing that I should maintain a certain level of decency here, passionate and sweet will have to do….!

The kids, they’re my pride and joy. My first born….he’s all grown up…and is awaiting his PMR results right now. Honestly, he appears to be brimming with confidence..I just hope he won’t be disappointed. The mom is more a nervous wreck than he is! I had dreams of going to his school and getting his exam results, once I even woke up in the middle of the night and looked around only to realize it was all a dream..a bad one at that.

My no 2 – aaah…the one who provides me with a good measure of parenting challenge. Admittedly, he tests my patience regularly but he’s a good kid and most will be quick to agree that he can win a popularity contest hands down.

My precious will turn 8 next year and although some say we pamper him, he never takes advantage. On the contrary, showering him with tremendous love and affection has boosted his self confidence. He always knows what he wants and rarely hesitates to speak his mind.

All in all, it has been a good year. I continue to feel blessed and am thankful that I have a roof over my head, a job that helps to pay the bills, best friends who provide me stress therapy whenever I need it and most importantly a family that loves me. So we now move into yet another new year. I trust most of us share common hopes and wishes for the year ahead..good health, a better economy and a life filled with much love.

With that in mind, let us all pray for a blessed and fulfilling 2009.

A Mother's Tears

Somebody rather dear to me lost her baby last week. She was 3 weeks away from her due date when the baby stopped moving. Imagine the devastation, imagine the trauma. Hubby and me went to see them the nite we found out. I don’t know about the next person but personally, no amount of rational thinking can possibly prepare a mother to brave such a tragedy.

I cried for the baby, for the parents. And to quote her, she would never ever wish this on even her worst enemy. That emptiness, that after delivery pain and looking around for a baby who is not there. Who knows why it happened. A cruel blow, that’s what it was. Yes, theoretically the baby died because the cord got twisted in such a way that it cut off his food and oxygen supply. But who’s to say how it went wrong so suddenly and all the what ifs in the world aint gonna bring him back to life anyway.

Yes this was not to be their first child, merely their first boy. But with age catching up, the news of the baby was something that all of us were thrilled with. And now he’s gone. Just a fleeting precious moment.

During the surgery, she asked should they proceed with putting a halt to her child bearing days as they had initially planned during the C-section. Yes, he said. But don’t you want to try again, don’t you want a boy..? You already gave me a boy..I just don’t want to see you go through this ever again, he replied.

Why did you not take a picture of him, she asked later. I don’t remember his face..Because I do not want you to go through more pain, he answered.

I felt for them..I cried and the thought of it all can still make me cry.

How do you survive such a tragedy? How do you go on after such pain..? You just do, I guess. You tell yourself he’s in a better place. You convince yourself God knows better. Then you cry yourself to sleep.

Sweet dreams little baby..they say you will wait for your mommy…I pray to God she will get to see you one day..

The Ka-Ching kinda lurve...

That was the topic Pietro and Serena C discussed this morning. Me and hubby talked about it on the way to work and we concurred.

Indeed, money can buy you love..just a different kind of love, we both agreed. The kind that is not deep, the kind that may be fleeting, the kind that does not stay in sickness and in health, certainly not for richer or for poorer.

Money can buy you happiness though, to an extent. In fact, perhaps it can buy you love to a large extent. Who wouldn’t want to be pampered with nice clothes, facials, jewelry and handbags and shoes that matches what the Marcos lady once had..And who wouldn’t want the other perks, like being able to go almost anywhere without worrying you’re stretching the budget..any needs of the kids can be taken care of, any ailment can be treated at any private hospitals, any financial emergencies can be handled.

But is all that going to be enough in the long run..? Maybe..maybe not. I would like to think I am a romantic who believes in a happy ending, no matter the bank account. But then again, money does help. People have been known to leave their partners when another comes along offering what appears to be “financial stability”..and will they be happy..? I don’t know..they can learn to be happy I guess.

Personally, a beautiful big home, with shiny luxury cars and all the handbags and shoes money can buy will never come close to having a loving and honest husband, a doting dad to the kids, the laughter and private jokes that a couple shares, even the simple movie and popcorn nite at home.

Truth is, I had the luxury of having a nice bank account once..so was I happier then..? On the face of it, maybe. I would never forget the holidays abroad, the spa treatments, the “not having to think too much while shopping” thing, you know what I mean…?

But in all honesty, when you lose that nice back account..you bounce back. You learn to live again, within your means this time and you learn that quality time takes on a whole new dimension. I found a new definition of happiness. My little precious may not have had the Disney holidays or numeorus others his brothers enjoyed but I will be the first to vouch that he gets sooo much more from us than any of his brothers ever did. It’s just that what he gets can never be quantified.

So, back to the question of the day – can money buy you love..sure it can. Just the ka-ching kind of lurve…

Being Maid-less

It has been nearly 3 weeks since my maid upped and left. And how have I been you ask..? Just fine…thank you.

Let me give you a brief once over. I have been doing laundry at least once a day. I have learnt to prepare pre-cooked meals, I began to get to know the ironing board once again, I get the boys to help fold the clothes.

I plan my days now. And I plan them as well as I possibly can. I go to the extent of laying the breakfast bowl, cereal box and vitamin bottles on the table before I go to bed, I lay Haqim’s school shoes and bag by the front door. I have everyone’s clothes laid out the night before too and prepare Haqim’s lunch box and Arief’s meal for the next day.

But if there is one thing I miss, it’s cooking. I enjoy cooking as a form of de-stressing myself. To me baking and trying out new recipes is extremely therapeutic. But I cooked, she cleaned. So now, with VERY limited time on my hands, I can’t seem to manage anything fancier than nasi goreng. I miss making all kinds of meals and snacks. And I miss my own carrot cake. Hubby brushes it off, saying it’s not important…hmmph…what does he know.

Basically, I still cook, though not as much as I would like, I clean, though I have cheats there (mom’s or mil’s maid comes in at least once a week..hey, I have to be smart about it ok), I make sure my 13yo does his share of the chores, hubby washes the car and takes out the trash and life has never been this bliss at home..!

Am I superwoman..? Most certainly not..! Am I tired..? Oh yes I am..But the house is clean and my days are no longer punctuated with “Aaniii….kamu ni…”

But come Ramadhan…hmmm….this year my precious is already in Tahun 1 which means we leave the house early and he has began to fast since last year. So for the moment, I am rather uncertain how I will manage my days; in between all the regular activities - the berbuka, the tarawikh, the sahur.

Hmmm…a daunting thought but hey, the tough should just get going huh…yea rite…

The Runaway Maid

Wow…it’s been soo long since I last came in here..and so much to write about. But the sensational piece has got to be the story about the maid who upped and left last week. Of course to make the runaway story more dramatic, she left my precious 7yo all alone at home.

We’ve been having trouble with her for several months now and my many issues with her culminated with the discovery of a handphone amongst her things and a bag all packed and ready to go last Sunday. When confronted she denied her intention to run away but because she could not make the handphone go poof! she admitted to owning it, but not before creating some story involving the maid 2 doors from us. “Kawan Ani tuuk, dia pinjam uwang Ani, terus bila dia tak boleh bayar dia beri aja handphone sama Ani. Dia punya banyak handphone”

So after the handphone and packed bag on Sunday, silly me was supposed to take her passport to keep at the office..I checked that it was still where it should be but I forgot to put it away. The next few days she was rather bold and that fueled my anger further. I made no bones about my discontent. She was clearly displaying her attitude bordering on being rude to me and I tolerated none of it.

Then came Thursday. I spoke to her over the phone mid morning and once again she was rather curt which made me quite mad. Around 2 in the afternoon, hubby dropped by the house to pick something up, she was ‘alive and well” and came to the front gate to hand it to him. Then just before 3.30 Haqim called, absolutely frantic and sobbing “Mom, I can’t find kakak..mom, I can’t find kakak..I’m all alone Mom…and the front gate is not closed” I don’t think I can forget the fear I heard in his voice..Needless to say, Mom was literally shaking..and boiling mad..

Later that day I realized she had left us a note on the fridge..apologizing profusely. For running away and for stealing her passport. The next day I had help in cleaning the house, the dry area at the back was particularly filthy and yes, I found her passport along with other documents she had taken from the file stashed in a plastic bag near the washing machine…..aaah…the sigh of satisfaction never felt so good.

Yea, yea, it could have been worse. Those who run away with their employer’s kids, or stealing money and others, mine left the house intact. She even did all the dishes.

So our life without a maid has begun. And in all honesty, it is quite bearable. The boys chip in and have their own chores. Haqim insisted he doesn’t want to be “just a helper, I want a job Mom, I’m part of this family too”. Arief has been the true Arief with that entrepreneurial spirit, “so that 5 ringgit for washing Haqim’s school shoes, is that for sebelah or what ma..?”

For the moment I am enjoying the stress free life without that constant headache only a maid can give you. For how long, don’t ask. My bones are tired but the house is still standing, the kids are still alive and kicking and I must tell you..during part of the weekends – the idea of having the whole house to yourself, I mean just me and hubby…hmm....hahaha…

And so, despite the runaway maid, there is still hope and life after all…

So What....?

I will turn a year older this Sunday. And how does that make me feel? Not wonderful is putting it mildly. And between you and me, (yes, you, the one or two creatures on earth who actually read my entries…) I have been kinda edgy at the mere thought of it Honestly, it’s been bugging me quite a fair bit, and for some reason I have been feeling rather insecure, about so many things in my life. My finances, my parenting skills, my looks, my hair, my weight of course.. And then on Sunday, I had a fall. Not a nasty one but enough to leave me limping for several days. Noo, I did not sprain an ankle, just pulled a muscle but hey, it hurt ok, and it was not cool to come to work in slippers..so I have not exactly been feeling on top of the world..(and that twit of a colleague who when seeing me limp into the office on Monday morning chirpily said, ayooo lily, you’re not young anymore you know..must be careful ooo…) And just like that my wonderful week began.

Yes, me, who tells that one should count one’s blessings in life..I really should take a HUGE spoonful of my own medicine huh..

I don’t know, perhaps it’s all because I thought I would have achieved a certain number of things in my life by now. Ah, my husband points out, therein lies the crux of my problem, life is about a lot more than ‘things’..he stresses. I have my health, a stable job, a place to stay, my family which includes a husband and kids whom I love very much, and hopefully love me right back. I have a set of beautiful people I call my closest best friends whom I’ve known for close to 30 years and many other girl friends and sisters all of whom are in very special places in my heart.

With my husband of almost 20 years I have a wonderful relationship. Naturally there are days when life as a couple is less than perfect but I would like to think that despite it all, things are still good between us and married life is still sweet.

Then there are my kids…my pride and joy. My raison d’etre in this world. Ironically, issues with one was what triggered my emotions this morning. I ask you, when you’ve been a parent for close to 15 years as I have, you would think that you’re at least a decent enough parent, right? Think again…

“You’re too hard on yourself..” my husband tells me. I can’t help it. I have this voice that tells me even I have not achieved much in almost 40 years of my life (there, I’ve said it…!!what a HUGE number…oh GOD..!), I should at least have sufficient parenting skills to handle any given situation right..as I said, think again. Yes, it’s really not that big a deal, more of the usual discipline issues, but hey, they irk me. And with all that emotion running high lately with the aging thing, well, the timing sucks.

But my better half was sweet enough to be patient and reminded me that I have a lot to be thankful for. That life would not mean a thing even if I have loads of moolah in my bank account but a terrible relationship with my spouse and kids..and nobody else to turn to, for instance. And that kids are to be disciplined with love..yes, yes, when he’s calm he’s a much better parent than I am… Ok, I’m being cynical, I really shouldn’t.

Aaaahhh..ok, that’s me taking a deep breath. He’s right, I’m being too hard on myself. So no more ranting about, no more teeth clenching till I burst. So what if my son sleeps like a log, he’ll just miss football practice. So what if I my hair is thinning, I still have no ubans, so what if I don’t drive a fancy car and can’t afford jewelry, (I can still dream, can’t I..) and so what if I’m not young and slim anymore…(ok, with this one, I am not so convinced yet lah..I think I need to spend some money at a slimming centre lah ….)

Hubby tells me he loves me more than ever before, - God bless the man..despite the thinning hair, the wide hips and all my other imperfections..(eh, do you think he said that to avoid his wife from having a nervous breakdown maybe..??)

I turn a year older...I think I need to get a pick-me-upper and face this head on. In the meantime, errr, do you know of a good hair product, that won’t cost me an arm and a leg, and then some..?

Just a lil bit too much

I admit. I wanted to get my point across. The whole scenario was getting tiresome and frankly those ads were getting on my nerves. "You shouldn't see things that way you know,"someone told me."..what if everyone does exactly what you do.." "I'll take my chances," I said, having made up my mind.

And as it turned out, millions out there had the exact intention. It was meant to be an act that would give a good jerk, an eye opener, a wake up call. And what a wake up call it was..For those who were affected, I reckon it must have been more like being woken from a deep slumber by very powerful ammunitions! The only difference here is, you did not perish in the explosion but are left rubbing your eyes and asking how the heck did that happen..

For me, initially it was rather appealing, and certainly unbelievable. Then as the reality of things sank in..I began to ponder. And I have no doubt that there may be quite a number like me out there, who may now be pondering if it was just a little bit too much.

I am not entirely apprehensive but I can't say I'm not the least bit worried though. It's new and exciting yet it's not unlike venturing into uncharted waters. I am thrilled yet I find the days ahead daunting.

What happens next is anybody's guess. But I must say I am rather miffed that certain individuals have not been as gracious as one particular gentleman. Concede and move on already...

In the meantime, my own mixed feelings are still very much there.

Love is...

Try asking a few people what love means and you are likely to get various takes on the word and what it means to each individual. This would be the umpteenth time I am celebrating Valentines with the love of my life..let me see…just over 2 decades to be exact..Long time huh…? Sure we had a brief ‘hiatus” – but it was like 22 years ago when we first spent Valentine’s Day together..I can even go into details, but I’d rather not lah…no la, nothing too xx pun…just no need to share lah..

So, what is love.? To me, it is about being able to see past your partner’s shortfalls and the mutual respect and affection which you feel towards each other. Real love goes beyond valentine’s day wishes and romantic dinners. It means being able to count on one another in times of need, be it a bad day at work, problems with the family or regular issues with the kids, home and finances.

I should stress that the notion of being wined and dined is not completely unnecessary..! I love flowers but they are not essential (and these days they cost a bomb during Valentine week so forget it..!) so a nice card and quiet alone time will do. As I grew older, Valentine’s Day has lost some of its spark and for me and hubby a few other days are more meaningful to be celebrated. Nonetheless, it is still a nice day to wish one another and use it as an excuse to make the effort to spend time as a couple. With everything that goes on in our lives it can be quite a challenge to find the time to go out alone, without the kids. A weekend away is almost out of the question. Yea, yea..couples should not let kids get in the way..maybe later laa..don’t most couples say that?

As we go about doing whatever it is that we do today my thoughts are with several people around me who happen to be facing some relationship issues. Problems that revolve around anything from finances, to children, to bedroom issues. And I must say some of those issues are really not alien to me in our marriage but alhamdulillah we somehow made it through the rain. And although there can still be stormy weather on some days, I suppose that is just part of the whole deal lah. You pick your battles, you accept that neither you nor your partner will ever be perfect and you laugh with each other - a lot.

At the end of the day, there is no denying that marriage is a lot of work; relationships are never easy and as someone close to me said, love must always, always be nurtured, lest you may just find yourselves drifting away in no time. And chances are there will be occasions where your love and marriage will be tested and my oh my, how emotionally exhausting that can be..

But with each Valentine’s Day I am reminded that love means more than flowers and romantic dinners. It is a time to reflect how one has matured in a relationship, it celebrates the struggles of bad patches along the way and it is a day to treasure the love you still feel and the bond that has grown over the years.

So what will I be doing tomorrow? Hmm…I hope I will be enjoying a nice dinner at a cosy table at a quite but not necessarily fancy restaurant…followed by a feel good movie at home perhaps.. and who knows what else…And yes, it will be tomorrow because going out on a week night is just not so appealing you know..Besides since tomorrow is Friday, the kids can be packed off to mom’s house..hehe…

On that note..happy valentine’s day..!

oh oh oh Sheila.....!!

I still remember the first time I heard somebody by the name of sheila majid sing on the radio. Frankly at the time I thought she sounded rather nasal and was not immediately taken by her voice. But her song was catchy and before long I had bought a copy of Pengemis Muda. There was a school show soon after and my pet sis sang the song since it was THE song at the time.

I saw Sheila sing live only once, with whom I went and where exactly it was I somehow cant quite remember. Later, I was studying abroad when the infamous Ikhlas concert took place and
I heard how good it was from people I know. And then some weeks back I read she was having a 2 day charity concert and I wanted so much to be able to go but the tickets were way too expensive. So there goes another chance at seeing Sheila in action.

But as luck would have it, late Thursday evening I managed to get a couple of complimentary tickets from work – the occasional perk I enjoy when the company gets involved in certain charity drives and sponsor big dos like this la..and to top it off, I got fantastic seats…!!!

Anyway, I was ecstatic that I was going the next evening. It was a really really great show, and I cannot find the words to describe the fun we had….!! It started with me shedding a few tears though because the show was after all in aid of the IJN Foundation and there was a brief presentation on the patients at IJN which included adorable babies and little children and those pictures made me cry.

But once the she got going, it was awesome..all the way. Sheila has not lost her touch one bit! She was smooth and classy, very professional and knew exactly how to get through to her audience. In fact soon most of us were on our feet dancing away..and I think I spent almost the whole second set on my feet..swaying and grooving…it was just wonderful singing along to all the songs I grew up with. In fact earlier Sheila had asked the crowd, “how many of you grew up with my music…??” And there was a resounding “meeee……..” from sooo many of us to which Sheila joked, “So you all must be at least 35 and above right…”ha ha haa…

Even her intermission was exciting. While Sheila disappeared for a wardrobe change, her entourage of musicians took turns at entertaining the crowd and because it was so interesting, not many of us took the time to go for the usual intermission shi shi break. Halfway through the second set hubby said he could hold it in for much longer so he got up and began to make his way to the end of the aisle. Suddenly Sheila started “kata demi kata..jalin dengan indah..” and hubby threw me a look that said, “err, I don’t think I need to go anymore” and so he walked back to me, much to the amusement of those around us!

Basically, I fell in love with Sheila's music all over again that nite..from the upbeat Pengemis Muda when it all began, the infectious Warna, to the classic Anyir dan Jakarta and Emosi, she sang them all.....aaaahhh....

All in all, it was great fun and although the VVIP that particular nite, Tun M did not get up and boogie, but from what I understand, the following nite, our Pak Lah did..!

I went home, tired feet and giddy with excitement but thrilled and thoroughly contented…

Oh, and of course my dearest hubby was also giddy due to something else, we met and talked to Dayang, his ultimate favourite singer..so amusing to see him looking quite love struck! hahaha